IS IT HERE? IS IT REALLY HERE?
Yes! It’s been seven years (or almost four elephant pregnancies) in the making, but THE OLYMPIC GAMES are here at last.
In spite of all those long elephant pregnancy time periods that organisers have had to get it all right, the whole thing has been riddled with cock-ups in the weeks running up to it.
G4S forgot to recruit enough security guards, there’s traffic and ticket chaos already and some crackpot picked the wrong Korean flag the other day. Oh, and a Turkish boxing referee was found dead in his London hotel room a bit earlier on. Curse of the Olympics already…
Best of all, on the big day, just hours ahead of the opening ceremony, Sport and Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has only gone and lamped an Olympics fan with the full weight of his bell end.
Hunt was ringing his wonky bell to officially signify the start of the Olympics, which is a slight worry in itself as (a) it isn’t his job to do that and (b) the games already started a couple of days ago with the women’s football. Nice one Jezza.
ANY WORD ON THE OPENING CEREMONY’S ‘SECRETS’?
It’s all extremely hush-hush, with the 60,000 attendees of the rehearsal sworn to secrecy, but we’re promised an extravaganza that will show off the very best of Britain at its Britishest.
Here’s what we think will go off during tonight’s grand opening…
• The Beatles to reform, with holograms of the dead ones appearing from the heavens.
• Bruce Forsyth encased in a massive javelin, which is hurled across the stadium by a giant robot version of Kelly Brook.
• Little Mix take part in a tug o’ war with the Spice Girls, with the winners getting to watch the remainder of the ceremony from a milk-filled hot tub with Boris Johnson.
• The Olympic flame to be lit by… Ian Beale.
THERE’S GOING TO BE SOME SPORT AS WELL THOUGH, YEAH?
Finally, yes. Tomorrow starts with a bang with shooting at 8.15am running through to women’s basketball, which goes on late into the night. The Olympic holy grail, women’s beach volleyball will be scattered throughout the schedules, leaving viewers sufficient time to ‘recover’ after each match.
Britain’s first major medal hope, the men’s cycling road race happens before lunch, with Great Britain probably the strongest team on paper, and sprint specialist Mark Cavendish the strong favourite to get some gold hung around his neck, helped out by Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome.
WHAT SHOULD WE AVOID?
Probably a good idea to give the women’s 48 kilo weighlifting a swerve – unless you’ve got some ‘specialist interests’…
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