IF IT’S THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH HOW COME THERE’S SO MANY EMPTY SEATS?
That’s the question that’s got the media clucking and is keeping Seb Coe awake with the Olympic sweats. Tickets were supposedly so hard for ordinary folk to get their hands on but somehow there are massive gaps in the crowds at many of the events.
So what gives? It seems that the no-shows are mainly tickets handed out to sponsors, tickets in corporate packages and members of the sinister-sounding ‘Olympic family’. Meanwhile the rest of us ticketless chumps watch on TV alone at home in our underwear, weeping as we chew miserably on Olympic-approved snack treats.
Immediate action has been taken with kids, teachers and soldiers being shipped in to fill empty seats and make it look as though everything is great really. As if our brave troops hadn’t done enough by laying their lives on the line in Hezbollah, they’re now being asked to sit through women’s basketball qualifiers…
BUT TEAM GB WON A MEDAL!
Yes, we did! Lizzie Armitstead pedalled her way to silver in the womens’s road race in the pissing rain earlier today, succeeding where the massively-hyped bike blokes had failed yesterday.
There’s no doubt that this is the first drip in what will soon become a torrential downpour of medals for Team GB. Sadly one woman who won’t be getting one is marathon legend and fan of unusual outdoor toilet action, Paula Radcliffe.
She’s been beaten by age and injury and says that as she won’t be able to compete at her very best, she won’t be bothering at all. It's devsatating news for whoever the official Olympic provider of women’s portable toileting devices are.
WHAT SHOULD WE WATCH NEXT?
Team GB’s ropey old football squad are going to have another bash at winning a match this evening, this time against the United Arab Emirates. They’re a major step down from Senegal, so we’d expect Engl… sorry, Team GB to sneak a 2-1 in injury time right at the end.
AND WHAT SHOULD WE AVOID?
Dressage. By far and away the worst thing we’ve seen at the games so far, it basically involves riding a horse in a straight line – essentially a posh version of a donkey ride on Blackpool beach.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, there's the presence of minor royal Zara Phillips, who is trotting around and flying the flag for us. It’s not exactly an event that they’ll all be trying out on the sink estates of Britain any time soon…
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