It’s been a week and a half since FHM’s nicotine fiends set foot on the path to clear-lungedness. More than enough time to have a laser jabbed in your ear, go to sleep at the instruction of an attractive woman, or leave your electronic cigarettes at home and sneak out to buy a pack of 20.

ALAN KINDELL (SOCIAL SMOKER), LASER ACUPUNCTURE

Alan Kindell

What's the deal with laser acupuncture?
I met Doctor of Osteomyology Chris Curtis, an avuncular Lancastrian, in his small private clinic in Borough, south east London. He explained the principle behind the treatment - it's based on the NADA (National Acupuncture Detoxification Association) Protocol, which uses acupuncture to help relieve withdrawal symptoms from drugs and alcohol. But instead of sticking pins in your ear, Chris uses a low-level laser to stimulate the acupuncture points.  

What happened?
After donning safety sunnies and a quick alcohol rub to get rid of six months of ear wax, Chris proceeded to use his futuristic laser pen on five points in my ear, plus points on my hands and feet with the plan being that it would stimulate the part in my brain that wants the nicotine hit.

How long did it take?
An hour.  

What did it feel like?
It was totally pain free. Didn’t feel a thing, not even the bit of heat that I was expecting. The only thing that made me feel stupid were the protective glasses that I get the feeling were more there for ‘health & safety gone mad’, rather than any real danger of permanent sight loss.

Dr Chris Curtis

Have you noticed any after-effects?
Only the tiny stick-on stud Chris put in my ear. It stays in for five days, and I’m supposed to pinch that for 30 seconds every time I get the urge for a blanger. The doc also advised that I didn’t have regular meals for the next four days, and instead eat fruit at small intervals throughout the day. It’s an autogenic trick to disrupt the habitual behaviour of having a snout after meals. So it meant I had to forgo my usual Sunday lunch, but that’s a small price to pay.

Did it work?
I had a wobble the first time I got drunk after the treatment, but I’ve not succumbed to the demons.

Would you recommend it?
Definitely. Chris is a really sound bloke, who puts you at ease, the treatment is quick and painless and, at time of going to press, I’ve not had a ciggie. Couldn’t have asked for more.

The deets
An hour-long session costs £180 and Chris says, in the majority of cases, only one visit is needed. For more info and to book yourself in go to cityclinicgroup.co.uk

FHM 1 - 0 SMOKING

LUCY HANCOCK (TEN A DAY), REFLEXOLOGY

What happened?
A lovely lady called Anna Walsh came in. She had nice sunglasses and such a relaxing voice I wanted to take her home make her read me books. She told me all about how reflexology works on your hands and feet and about nerve bundles and stuff. 

What did she do to you?
She showed me how to do reflexology on my own digits when I was stressed and bored (which is when I smoke most) then she did me a lovely old rub on my really grim feet, for which I admired her bravery. She told me I could carry on puffing for a week, but had to think about every fag and be mindful of why I was smoking and how it made me feel. Then she would come back and do my final treatment.  

How long did it take?
An hour and a half.

Lucy Hancock
"Now a bad time for a quick bash on the Xbox?"

What did it feel like?
It felt like a lovely relaxing foot massage and some plinky-plonky music. I felt like a bit of a dick when some creep came in and starting ruining my nice time by taking pictures of me. Anna told me to ‘remember how relaxed’ I was every time I thought about smoking.

Have you had the urge to smoke since the treatment?
I am weak and useless and I have been still smoking when boozing. Mainly because it is so ingrained in my boozy life. I have swapped to rollies though. Partly because I am poor and party because I thought they would make me think more about what I was smoking.

Would you recommend it?
As a relaxation technique it is shit hot for physical symptoms but I think you might have to have some semblance of willpower for it to help you stop smoking. On your feet it feels like it’s really working especially when she squeezes a toe and your shoulder goes twang.

The deets
annaw.co.uk (I stupidly forgot to get prices etc and Anna's on holiday for a week but I'll let you know next week when she comes back to see me again.)

FHM 1 - 1 SMOKING (for now, may change after Lucy's final treatment next week)

MELAKU ZENEBE (TEN A DAY), SMART SMOKER ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

Mel Zenebe

What happened?
They sent me all the products in a snazzy little box and said if I had any problems to contact them. I took them up on this within the first couple of days when I had trouble with the battery; they just sent me another two straightaway.

How are you finding it?
The electronic cigarette was ready straight out of the box, and it's pretty straightforward putting it together anyway. They sent all sorts of different flavours for me to try. My favourite's cola. Whenever I feel like a cigarette I just bring out my e-cig and have a quick toke. It's quite subtle - the smoke that comes from it is odourless and disappears quite quickly - so I've been able to use it at my desk without having to go outside and brave the elements.

Do you like using it?
I have had a few weird looks from people when they see the blue light flash up on the front, but I think it looks pretty cool. The e-cigs still give me a nicotine rush but it contains no tar, which means it's a lot healthier than normal cigarettes. I thought I still would be going outside to smoke it but after being a bit apprehensive about smoking it in the office at first, I've started doing it all the time now. 

Mel Zenebe smoking
He stares at us like this, all day every day. We haven't slept since his first day

Have you had the urge to smoke since the treatment?
There have been times when the battery has died on me or I've left it at home and resorted to buying normal fags. I'm now trying to organise myself better so I never run out. I'd definitely recommend keeping a spare at work, if you're prone to forgetfulness. 

Would you recommend it?
I don’t get the usual itch for a cigarette, so it's definitely working. It's too early to say for sure whether it will completely stop me smoking – or whether this is just another way of me still getting the nicotine rush without the tar that is harmful to my body. But I must say I have cut down cigarettes dramatically in the first week or so; thumbs up so far.

The deets 
www.smartsmoker.co.uk Kits start from £24.99

FHM 1.5 - 1.5 SMOKING

GRANT HOWITT (FOUR A DAY), 'STOP SMOKING IN TWO HOURS' APP

Grant

An app to make you stop smoking?
It was a self-help CD back in the day (back in the day when people still went to the shops and purchased CDs with money instead of buying futuristic techno-mp3s on their credit cards) and it's since been updated to app form. “Updated” is a kind word – there's about, ooh, twenty minutes of extra content if you count the to-camera introduction and a couple of "SOS videos", to be used in emergencies, but this is good stuff. It's scarily good. Basically, you sit down somewhere quiet at home and listen to it, uninterrupted, for two hours. Then your life changes forever. It's kind of like The Ring, but in a good way.

What happened?
I listened to it - well, most of it. I couldn't quite finish it in the time I had. But I smoked my last cigarette after I finished, threw it away halfway through, and decided to stop.

Would you recommend it?
Yes. Although the brainwashing element - in that a man talks continuously to you for two hours and your life radically changes - is a little bit creepy, if you think about it. But it works.

Is it still working?
I haven't smoked at all since and, even more impressive, I haven't even wanted to smoke much at all. It's all about reimagining quitting as a positive experience, rather than a negative one, and... yeah. It's fucking wizardry, if I'm honest.

Kit

Have you noticed any after-effects?
Not as yet. I kind of want a cigarette, vaguely, but I know it's not a rational desire and that smoking won't get me anywhere. In other news, I've developed a creepy way of speaking and now use words like "rational desire" in casual conversation.

What did it feel like?
Like having a conversation with an interesting person, although I wasn't doing any of the talking. Oh, man. I've been brainwashed. I've totally been brainwashed. I hope I don't go join a cult or some shit like that.

How long did it take?
Clue's right there in the name, champ.

The deets
Stop Smoking in Two Hours is available on the App Store for £6 - about the same price as a packet of fags.

FHM 2.5 - 1.5 SMOKING

We'll be back next week for an update, including hypnotherapy, hydroptherapy, and probably some other stuff that starts with 'h' and ends in 'therapy'. We'll also hear from some readers we furnished with quit smoking products and hoping they didn't flog it all on eBay.

Gagging for a fag? Distract yourself by reading week three of FHM Stops Smoking.