Crap-pop supremo Simon Cowell was last night seeking to dampen the brouhaha over the soon-to-be-released unauthorised biography, Sweet Revenge: The Intimate Life Of Simon Cowell. Amongst other things, the book contains revelations about Si’s affair with Dannii Minogue, and his desire to have sweet sexy sex with Cheryl Cole.

Speaking at a launch party for the tell-all book (yeah, we’re not sure why he was there either), the rectangle-haired svengali said, “I wish to publicly apologise to anyone I’ve embarrassed. Ten years ago, if I had read that someone would be writing a book about me saying I made loads of money and shagged loads of girls I would’ve said, ‘Great!’”  

Dannii Minogue ex-lover of Simon Cowell

Of course, ten years ago, very few people had even a slight clue who Simon Cowell was. We’re not sure how many copies The Guy Who Signed Westlife & The Teletubbies: He’s Loaded And Has Done Sex With Many Ladies would’ve shifted back in 2002. 

Ever the gracious lady, Cheryl Cole yesterday laughed off the news that Cowell had yearned to have an affair with her when they worked together on The X-Factor. Speaking to Chris Moyles on his Radio 1 show, she claimed that the pair had repaired their love/hate/lust relationship to the point where they were now “frenemies”.

“Nothing’s changed,” Cole told Moyles, in her lovely sing-song Geordie twang. “We’re still frenemies. We’ve had some very… interesting conversations.” 

We’d like to imagine that one of those conversations went something like this:  

SIMON: "Cheryl! It’s Simon. Hope you’re well. Look: you know this biography of me that’s coming out? Well, it kind of says in there that I wanted to shag you.”

CHERYL: "Howay Simon pet man. Ah knoo. Ah’ve heard all aboot it.” 

SIMON: "Haha! Yes, so it’s all very silly, isn’t it? But… let’s just talk theoretically for a moment…"

CHERYL: "[Sigh] Goodbye Simon pet man.” [Hangs up.] 

Simon, if you’re really serious about wanting a torrid affair with everyone’s favourite Girl Aloud, FHM would like to offer the following sage advice: Join the queue, mate. Join the enormous queue.