It’s that time of year again – when we salute the good, the bad and the less-ugly-now-they’ve-had-a-hair-transplant of the football world. Let’s all show some love to the real heroes of the 2012/13 football season
Own goal of the season award
If we said “ice-cool finishing”, you wouldn’t immediately think of Man City’s Gareth Barry. But we were forced to reconsider when he expertly slotted the ball home during a game against Southampton in February. Expertly slotted into his own net.
Hilariously violent goal of the year award
In a match against Sunderland in February, Romelu Lukaku became the first player to score simply by applying 100% brute force to a football.
Sprinting from his own half, the big Belgian closed down a Titus Bramble back-pass with the intent of a psychopath from a slasher movie, pressuring a terrified Simon Mignolet to boot the ball straight at him, which simply pinged off his onrushing 0% body-fat frame into the bottom corner.
David Brent award for cringeworthy television
“I’ve always said that you can live without water for many days, but you can’t live for a second… without hope.” One of Brendan Rodgers’ many inspirational nuggets from the Being Liverpool documentary. Thank you, Brendan.
Spiciest challenge award
Stoke City midfielder Glenn Whelan’s habit of flying full pelt at players sees him literally beat other contenders for this award into a distant second.
Standout incident of this season? A two-footed, balls-out-of-the-bath lunge on European dreamboat Javi Garcia in January – the footy equivalent of driving a Lada Samara as fast as you can into the side of a Maserati.
Bell-end of the season award
An award provoked by the shocking incident when Chelsea’s Eden Hazard hoofed 17-year-old Swansea ballboy Charlie Morgan in the bread basket after Master Morgan lay on the ball during their Capital One Cup semi-final.
Naturally, the award goes to Morgan rather than Hazard. A ballboy at the age of 17? Get a grip, son – your job is to hand the ball back to the nice professional footballer and chirrup, “There you go, sir.” Bell-end.
MISPLACED CELEBRATION OF THE YEAR
Not since Peter Odemwingie raised a proverbial glass to his non-transfer to QPR in January has there been such a painfully (or hilarious, depending on who you support) ill-judged celebration as was witnessed at White Hart Lane on the final day of the season.
Knowing that Arsenal needed to concede an equaliser to Newcastle to give Spurs a fighting chance of making the Champions League, the Tottenham faithful joined together in a chorus of cheers as the news echoed around the stadium that their North London rivals had indeed been penetrated.
Alas, the rumour was false, Arsenal held on for three points, and Tottenham were consigned to 5th spot and the Europa League. Again.
Award for the artiest Instagram account in football
Luxury midfielder Esteban Granero might not have set Loftus Road alight this year, but have you seen his Instagram account? All photos of Hemingway, Bob Dylan and abstract art. Hipper than a Swedish indie band at a skinny-jeans convention.
Words: Andy Dawson & Luke Moore
Thanks to Close House Hotel for accommodating FHM for the final game of the season. www.closehouse.co.uk
Check out this month's FHM Magazine to see the full Alternative End of Football Season Awards.