Throwing a party is a big deal. Host a monumental bash and you’ll be eternally revered as a champion amongst men, the go-to guy for good times; taking your place alongside heroes like Van Wilder, The Godfather, and that kid whose parents divorced him after he accidentally told the whole of Facebook he was having a little soiree while the olds were in the Canaries. Get it wrong, however, and you’ll be an outcast, a social pariah, a man less likely to be invited to parties than Mark ‘lust for life’ Lawrenson.
Here's your indispensible five-step guide to throwing the party to end all parties:
1. THE PEOPLE
If throwing a killer party was a Year 11 GCSE syllabus, getting the people right would be a dose of double maths. You must do two things: get the right people, and get the right amount of them.
The total number will depend entirely on your venue. If you’ve got an abandoned 17th Century castle on your hands, invite lots of people. If it’s your shoebox of a bedroom while your folks are watching The Cube downstairs, invite fewer people.
You’ll also need to get the gender balance right. If you’re a bunch of single guys, this might be your toughest challenge. Girls will be suspicious and fearful of being lured into a room full of horny expectant males pumped on Blue WKD. What you need is a 'Louboutin' – a man so irresistible to women he might as well be Christian Grey’s better-looking brother. If your pal Sean has looks that make girls go all giggly, use him as a pawn. “Are you coming to our party on Saturday? Sean said he hoped you’d be there…” – use that as many times as you want – nay, as many times as you CAN. And invite twice as many girls as you think you need: out-of-your-league girls you’re trying to pull are notoriously unreliable.
2. THE BOOZE
Get as much of it as you can. Then get some more.
3. THE SNACKS
Never underestimate the symbolic importance of snacks.
Posh snacks say "this is a civilised affair; puking on the carpet will result in permanent extrication from the group".
Crispy snacks say "this is a nicely rounded bash; things might get out of hand later on but if you puke on the carpet you’ll be terribly embarrassed and insist on paying for it to be dry cleaned".
No snacks says "EATING IS CHEATING WE’RE JUST HERE TO GET MORTAL YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU LIKE TO THE CARPET WE’LL BE SETTING FIRE TO IT AND HAVING SEX WITH IT AT THE END OF THE NIGHT ANYWAY WALLOP".
We are, mate
4. THE MUSIC
When your party is really kicking into gear, the last thing you need is your iPod to shuffle to David Gray and set off that emotional girl who always used to cry during R.E. Get a playlist sorted well in advance or, if you haven’t got the time and musical knowledge, simply sign up for Spotify and let people put on what they want. Be sure to get the no-ads version, though; no one wants to listen to an advert for car insurance while they’re finger-blasting Gina from accounts.
5. THE MARIACHI FIVE-PIECE BAND (OBVIOUSLY)
Every great party needs something to set it apart that will stay in the memory for years to come. Fortunately for you, our crispy pals at Doritos have just the ticket. Their Mexican musical maestros, the Mariachi Doritos, are going on a nationwide tour, and could bring a taste of Cancun to your party. Just enter at Facebook.com/Doritos and they could be coming to your house and performing some top tunes. (Make sure you tell them the right date; it’d be bloody awkward if they turn up when it’s just you in your pants reading yesterday’s Guardian to the dog, TRUST US.)
Damn right you will