You know the conversation:

"It's not really a spoiler, though."

"Yes it bloody is."

"Well maybe you should catch up with the rest of the viewing public."

"Well maybe you should eat shit and die."

It's time to settle the argument once and for all. Here's how to not be a complete social outcast with our rules of the spoiler.

*NB NO SPOILERS.

 

01 DON'T JOKE ABOUT IT

'Pretending' to spoil a plot line by yelling out, "Jimmy dies at the end!" is the same as telling everyone Jimmy does not die at the end. Or does he? Either way, it's fucking annoying.

02 DON'T SHARE IT ON FACEBOOK

This is akin to a virtual roadside IED on your newsfeed, primed to explode and blow your enjoyment of a show to shreds.

03 NEVER DISCUSS IT IN PUBLIC

Work, pub, bus, whatever…without first asking for a show of hands of EXACTLY what point in the programme EVERYONE in earshot is up to.

04 DON'T SAY IT'S NOT REALLY A SPOILER

It clearly is a spoiler and whoever dropped it deserves a firm kick in the goolies.

05 DON'T DISCUSS GAME OF THRONES AT ALL

No matter how much you try to talk round it, you'll drop a plot-ruining clanger before you can say, "Sean Bean gets…"

06 10 YEARS IS LONG ENOUGH

Your mate just told you how Dawson's Creek ended? Too bad - it finished a decade ago, which basically means it's part of history, like the Bible. You couldn't spoil the Bible, could you? JESUS DIES!

Check out more answers to your big telly questions in this month's FHM, where we're covering everything from futuristic 3D shit to the filthy weirdness you get on Babestation. Grab this month's issue or download it to your tablet or iPhone.

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