We’ve filtered out thousands of limp-poppers, swirly-letdowns and wonky-wheels to bring you the 14 fireworks guaranteed to help turn General Whiskers into a fluffy ball of fear this Bonfire Night.
01 PLOTTERS' KEG
Modelled on Guy Fawkes’ originals, this barrel is more ‘shoot colours into the air’ than ‘blow up Parliament’.
Wow factor 4/5 Kimboltonfire?works.co.uk (£29)
02 PRISM DELIGHT
Watch in awe as it shoots sparks. Listen in awe as it makes thwunks. A pretty geometry lesson.
Wow factor 3/5 X-iting.co.uk/fireworks (£15)
03 SKY BONANZA
These rockets may be small, but they’re fierce. Do not underestimate. Or tie to a beloved animal.
Wow factor 2/5 X-iting.co.uk/fireworks (£8.50)
04 THE OGRE
Square? Yes. Ugly? Yes. But that’s not the point. Once this gets going, it’s the stuff of dreams.
Wow factor 3/5 Fireworks?international.co.uk (£31)
05 STORN CONES
Plant these spark sprayers a few metres apart then walk through the gap like a judge on The X Factor.
Wow factor 2/5 X-iting.co.uk/fireworks (£5 for 3)
06 AMAZING SPRAY
These start like the Storm Cones, but descend into a rip-roaring sparks fest. Step back and mind your ’fro.
Wow factor 3/5 Royalparty?fireworks.com (£10)
07 SUPERIOR 4 ROCKET PACK
The pyrotechnical equivalent of Steve Buscemi in Con Air (so insane it comes in a cage).
Wow factor 5/5 Absolute?fireworks.com (£50)
08 HOT SHOTS
This is about as hard as fireworks get. Men will cheer, women will swoon, cats will crap themselves.
Wow factor 5/5 X-iting.co.uk/fireworks (£49)
09 ALIEN WAR
It’s an alien invasion! Only, without the aliens or the invasion. Still, it’s pretty noisy when this beast goes off.
Wow factor 5/5 Kimboltonfireworks.co.uk (£15-20)
10 CELESTIAL REV WHEEL
Name sounds like a ’90s indie band, actually a firework that sounds like static. Annoying, but colourful.
Wow factor 1/5 X-iting.co.uk/fireworks (£2)
11 SPARKLING WHEEL
If this were a female, it would be the girl in the short skirt who makes men’s jaws drop.
Wow factor 3/5 Fireworks?international.co.uk (£27)
12 ICE CANDLES
Normally for when celebs order booze in clubs. Use them when you make tea to prove you’re ‘someone’.
Wow factor 1/5 Royalparty?fireworks.com (£3)
Teeny bit scared to ignite your fireworks up close? No problem, let these do the dirty work.
Wow factor 0/5 Kimbolton fireworks.co.uk (£2.50)
14 SFX TWO STEALTH ROCKET
Stealthy as a ninja. You won’t hear a peep out of this until it’s hundreds of feet above you.
Wow factor 3/5 X-iting.co.uk/fireworks (£14)