ANYTHING GOING ON IN EUROPE TODAY? 

All across the continent, millions of people are gnashing and wailing in their respective national costumes, their souls shredded and their hearts hurting because All The Money Has Gone. In a nutshell, the Eurozone financial crisis is killing us all.

But let’s forget all that shit and rejoice instead, because it’s EURO 2012 DAY! Yes, the summer is saved as the tournament we’ve been lusting after since the football season finished last week is here!

GREAT! SO EVERYTHING’S READY?

No, not quite. In Donetsk, where England’s campaign gets underway on Monday, there’s a few small things that still need to be sorted out. Nothing important – just the airport, the roads and the campsite where budget-concious England fans will be getting some shut-eye. 

Euro 2012 mudbath campsite
'Welcome to your camp site, Englanders...'

But hey, everything’s going to be just fine. Assorted Ukraine officials have appeared on TV, confirming that it’ll all be sorted in time – each of them sporting fixed grins and unblinking eyes. They’re DEFINITELY not lying to us, oh no… 

AMAZING SCENES! IT’S ALL GOING SMOOTHLY THEN?

Pretty much. Apart from the unwanted sight and sound of 500 Polish fans abusing the Dutch squad during an open training session yesterday, highlighting the nagging fear that the tournament will be blighted by recurring verbal fan aggro.

Dutch skipper Mark van Bommel cried racism after the incident and said that if it happens during a match he’ll be asking the referee to take his team off the pitch. But UEFA claim that it’s all a big misunderstanding and the Polish fans were making monkey noises as a protest against Krakow not being awarded one of the top matches in the later stages. So, that’s all okay then – crazy like an eye-spinning maniac okay.

CAN’T WE JUST FORGET ABOUT THE BAD STUFF AND BRING ON THE OPENING CEREMONY?

Dancing bears, gymnastics from cigar-smoking children, Michel Platini’s unique ‘personal interpretation’ of Moves Like Jagger in a nude body stocking – they’re just some of the things that won’t be appearing ahead of the big kick off.

Instead we’ll get a nice, compact 12-minute-long opening ceremony – just long enough for you to get online and have a bet with William Hill. We’re fancying Germany to get their heads down and do the job (3/1) but if you reckon Roy’s boys can trade on their underdog status, 12/1 looks good for an England tournament win.

UM, IS THERE ANY ACTUAL FOOTBALL ON TODAY?

Oh, yeah. We forgot about that what with all the off-the-pitch chaos and everything. It’s a low-key start with Poland v Greece at 5pm – if we even get a goal in that one it’ll feel like Christmas. Beanpole Borussia Dortmund striker Robert Lewandowski will be the man most likely.

Meanwhile the 7.45pm match looks tastier as the Russians face the Czech Republic. As far as the Russians are concerned, it’ll be interesting to see if world-class Andrei Arshavin turns up, as opposed to the can’t-be-arsed version that vexed Arsenal fans last year.

Truth be told, we’re moistening at the very thought of it all. EURO 2012 IS GO!!!

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