TODAY? WE GET FOOTBALL BACK TODAY, YES?

Just when we thought we were about to go blind from the deprivation, Euro 2012 has come dancing back into the room, winking at us, licking its lips and provocatively lifting up its skirt to reveal a Portugal v Spain semi-final at 7.45pm this evening. Oh, mercy!

SURELY THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT?

We don’t see why not. With a place in the final at stake, surely both teams will rip into each other from the first whistle, in an orgy of attacking football – yes? Probably not, actually, although Cristiano Ronaldo has got a whiff of glory in his nostrils and will either be magnificent or completely ineffective.

WHO’S GOING TO WIN?

We genuinely haven’t got a clue, which makes it all the more mouth-watering. Even if it’s a dull game, there’ll be so much at stake that you won’t be able to take your eyes off it. 

If you fancy a Spain win in 90 minutes, and for Xabi Alonso to keep his goalscoring streak going, you can get 9/1 with William Hill on that particular double. A Portuguese win, with Ronaldo scoring is a tasty 6/1. Our shiny coin is going on Pedro to score the last goal, probably after coming on as a sub – that one is yours for 7/1.

ANY OTHER EURO 2012 CONTROVERSY?

Yes. German superstar Lukas Podolski has been astonishingly sent home for bringing culture into disrepute following the unveiling of his vile Europop single ‘Halleluja’. Not really, but with its brain-melting tune and Podolski’s dickhead tartan tie, no one would be surprised if the Germans were handed an automatic defeat against Italy for global psychological warfare.

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