In spirit of investigative journalism - and because we've just been so tense recently - FHM accepted an invitation to Chancery Court hotel London to try out their new 'man' treatment, the 'Tension Tackler'.
Phwoar, tackling - like in sport! Except it involves 'hot rocks' and 'a facial'. It's definitely not girly though. That's the main thing you have to remember.
Entering the treatment room we meet Helen. She's the kind of pretty, perfectly manicured brunette you see applying make-up to old dears in the cosmetic section of department stores.
She smiles, and nods at the table next to her. 'I'm going to step outside for a moment. You slip onto the table there and put the towel over you. It's up to you if you keep your pants on or not.'
Any other context, and our briefs would be downed quicker than a 3am kebab. But the notion of being naked in front of a stranger (without being drunk) is strange enough, so prudishly, we keep them on.
The Tension Tackler kicks off with a 'deep upper back massage'. We're on safe ground here. Plenty of firm pummelling, plenty of 'good' pain. Helen works the knots out of our neck and shoulders like an ironmonger straightening out a girder. Definitely, definitely not girly.
Then the creams come out. Creams for our face. We turn over and close our eyes. We think we count four different types of gunk - each one smelling divine, each one promising to make our skin as soft as, well, a girls…
Now, Helen whispers, it’s time for the hot rocks. Where we grew up, 'hot rocks' are the scorching embers that drop from a badly rolled spliff. Here, they're warm pebbles, placed slowly up and down your face. And it's better than any drug, it's... it's... bliss, girly bliss!
The treatment ends. Helen tells us our time is up. What, we want to say, no nail treatment? Can't you do something with our hair? We float out of Chancery Court savouring a new sense of spiritual union with the world around us, which steadily dissipates as we trip over the baffled tourists on the way back to FHM headquarters.
We'd go back for a Tension Tackler. It’s alright. And the good thing about it, the main thing, is that it’s not too girly.
It's just that sometimes, a bloke deserves to feel special. Right?
For more info on The Spa at Chancery Court check out their website.