Am I fit for the circus?

I’ve got very downy ears, and I’m worried that as I get older the hair will turn black and I’ll look like a hairy-eared freakshow. I’ve thought about shaving the strands that poke out from the top of the ear, but I’m worried this’ll make them grow back stronger. How can I sort them out?
Phil Cranson, via e-mail

If a career as a Hogwarts extra is out of the question, prepare to feel slightly lady-like as you tackle this one. “Try a combination of threading and tweezering,” says director of Gentleman’s Tonic grooming salon Olivier Bonnefoy. “The former is a Middle Eastern technique that is becoming popular, while the latter ensures that any odd strand is quickly dispensed with.” And no, that doesn’t mean sexy, tweezer-wielding belly dancers taking care of your ear drum thickets. “Waxing is fine on the ear lobes,” muses Olivier, “but quite dangerous inside the ear itself.” Alternatively, man up, get used to it and embrace your new guise as a Terry Pratchett cover star.

My arse drips claret

I bleed like a pig when I poo and then itch after. Is there a certain cream I can get to cure this complaint?
Chris Story, Fallowfield

Time to re-evaluate your priorities, reckons Emma Mowat at Bowel Cancer UK. You might need more than an anti-itch cream. “In the majority of cases blood down there will be a sign of none-threatening conditions like piles, but please don’t ignore your symptoms.” So it could actually be the Big C? It’s a long shot, but you’ve got to check it out. “I’d recommend a visit to the doctor,” continues Emma. Bowel cancer can be successfully treated when caught early. Remember that most concerns will not turn out to be bowel cancer and the sooner that you talk to someone, the sooner you are likely to get reassurance that everything is okay.”

Have I got the HIV?

I’m too scared to have an AIDS test. How would I know if I had it?
Fred Lawson, via e-mail

Nothing strikes fear into the heart of modern day Russell Brand-types like a potential trip to the cock doctor. But how else are you going to know if you’ve become infected with HIV, the virus that can develop into AIDS? After all, as Katherine Sladden at the National Aids Trust explains, “Often there are no symptoms for HIV. The only way of knowing is to go for a test.” But what does it entail? “It’s a simple blood test. You’ll get the results within ten days, although certain services offer same-day results.” And if I have gone down the Mark Fowler route? “Figures show there has been a rise in the number of young straight men being infected with HIV but the good news is that things have moved on in recent years,” adds Katherine. “If you are tested early and receive treatment, HIV can be prevented from developing into AIDS, and most people in the UK live a normal, healthy life with HIV.”