Fart Monster

I guff so frequently I’ve become a social liability – and I know it’ll only get worse in old age. What can I do?
David Stokes, Northampton

“In most cases you could just be eating too quickly and not swallowing your food properly,” says London-based GP Dr Eric Ansell. “Or, you’re just eating too much bread, pasta and wheat for your body to digest.” If it’s this last scenario, continues Ansell, cut back on the carbs: “Your food is probably fermenting in your gut due to your body’s natural excess of bacteria or yeast.” Ansell recommends tapering down your daily carb intake until you become less parpy, and necking natural live yoghurt to regulate the fauna in your belly. And not farting while you’re in the same room as him, if you could.

I sweat like a Brazilian wing-back

Perspiration pours off me like I’m wearing a wet suit – while I’m sat still. What’s wrong with me?
Jacob Fullerton, Portsmouth

“Brace yourself: you might have lymphoma”, says Paddington-based radiologist Dr Sarah Burnett. “It’s a type of cancer that affects the lymph glands, which are small clusters of infection-fighting cells in the neck, under the chin, in the armpits and in the groin.” To avoid the cancer spreading to your bone marrow and poisoning your blood, see your GP immediately and get referred to a hematologist. The bad news? One in four patients die from this condition. The good news? “You probably just have hyperhidrosis,” assures Burnett. “You sweat more than your body’s thermoregulation needs.” Just cut back on coffee and nicotine for the short-term, and experiment with using non-aluminium-based deodorants. While wondering who will give your soul-stirring eulogy.

My mouth tastes like sand

No matter how much water I drink, my mouth feels like I’ve been eating sand. Why am I always so thirsty?
Nikk White, Colchester

“You might have diabetes, which destroys your pancreas,” says Professor Nadir Farid of the London Endocrine Clinic. “Your pancreas should release insulin to control the level of glucose in the blood. Type 1 diabetes prevents this.” Which means that every time you eat sugary crap, your blood-glucose levels shoot up, you get pins and needles and you could go into a daze, possibly collapsing. And then death.Before possibly having a limb amputated. “That said, you may just have a fungal mouth infection known as Sjögren’s syndrome,” continues Farid, “where immune cells destroy the saliva glands.” Although proportionately, 90% of patients are women. If it’s the latter, you’ll get prescribed drugs. If it’s the former, enter a whole new world of insulin injections, no junk food, and possibly impaired vision. Um, awesome…

Am I going senile?

My granny suffered from Alzheimer’s before she died and I’m absolutely terrified I’ll get it. Is it hereditary and if so, what can I – hello? Margaret? Is that you? Wednesday.
Leon Beard, Glamorgan

Often it stems from a big bump on the head,” says Byrne, “or as a result of a lifetime lacking in mental stimulation and brain exercise.” In other words, you won’t get it. But also pretend this guy didn’t inadvertently just insult your dead gran.

Where’s my sperm gone?

When I was younger I could produce more sperm than a bull. Now it just dribbles out, scared and alone. I won’t be able to have kids, will I?
Danny Botterill, Clapham

“The amount of semen you produce is no reflection of your fertility,” says sexual-health specialist Dr Christian Jessen, bent double while pointing at your cock. “The volume of ejaculate that the average male produces varies. In some men the ‘volume drought’ can last for years.” So don’t panic. Or cut your pecker off with a cheese knife and flush the thing down the loo. “Often the amount of semen you produce is a reflection of how long it took you to get aroused.” In other words, sperm needs to collude over an extended period before they launch an all-out attack.

My back door’s in shreds

Every time I fire off a brown missile I get cramps in my “Sarlacc pit.” Am I dying of prostate cancer?
Pablo Wilson, Greenock

“Statistically-speaking PC’s a disease of the elderly, and extremely rare in men under the age of 50,” says Dr Byrne, refusing to inhale. “You’ve got constipation, piles or an anal fissure.” In other words your back door’s too blocked or your bowels have built such a large chod that it’s literally ripped out a skin flap in your pipe, hence those occasional streaks of blood when you go. “Take a warm bath and apply a high-street-available butt ointment that contains an anaesthetic. But don’t take codeine-based painkillers. They’ll just make your constipation worse.” Your poos’ll get longer. Seen the film Anaconda? Big snakes.

What's wrong with FHM readers?

Just the usual – mashed bones, blood, gore…

1 Dodgy guts

“Six weeks ago I was in a car crash,” e-mails in Cooper, “only it was my mate who emerged from the incident the worse for wear. Look at his stomach. Now that’s what you call an injury!” Or an upturned cheese roll.

2 Snow plough

Around 40 people die each year skiing, most of them, statistically, going over 35mph. So Hannah from Suffolk counts herself lucky. “All I got tumbling, thankfully, was this ginormous bruise.” Mummy…

3 Hard as nails

A job at Ferrari is a luxury, until your finger’s caught between a wheel’s caliper and spoke. “We moved the car, my finger fell out and the hospital couldn’t sew it back on,” laughs Tremaine Jones from Edinburgh. PS nice nails.