Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton just made it to the South Pole. We can basically guarantee that's more impressive than anything you've ever done.

We're not just impressed by Helen's achievements, but also a little bit ashamed that we've never done anything so remarkable, and probably never will (we met Hulk Hogan one time, but we're pretty sure that doesn't count) - but she's just one of a list of stand-out women who we probably couldn't go out with for fear of dissolving into a puddle of uselessness.

Helen Skelton

Helen Skelton
This is Helen Skelton when she's not on the South Pole

Presenting Blue Peter is kinda cool, but when you hear about her other achievements it pales in comparison. Not only has she tightrope walked between the chimneys at Battersea Power Station, and kayaked over 2000km down the Amazon river – all for charity, mind – she also did that thing where she travelled to the South Pole.

'Oh big deal,' we hear you say. 'Anyone can get to the South Pole.' Helen Skelton not only broke a world record for fastest 100km by kite ski – by strapping herself onto a kite and then riding the fucking thing across Antarctica for seven-and-a-half hours – but she also cycled to the South Pole, too. Because she could.

Some days, we don't even go to the shops because it's raining.

DJ Reid Speed

Reid Speed refuses to spend more than 30p on a pair of glasses

Do you like music? You probably do, people who don't like music are weird, the sort of folk who eat fat-free cottage cheese with nothing in it and wear thin brown socks. So you probably have opinions about music, which you could probably be convinced to come out with at length after a couple of drinks and the right provocation. Problem is, you'd never win an argument against Reid Speed.

Reid (real name Reid Rosson, which also sounds a bit like a stage name but whatever) has been active in the rave DJ circuit since 1996, and has since risen up through the ranks to become a prominent US dubstep, drum and bass and electro performer in addition to fronting her own record company, Play Me Records.

'You know what,' you'd say. 'I reckon Skillrex are actually a bit shit.' And she'd proceed to tear apart any opinions you might have had with a deep, authoritative knowledge of the music industry, and you'd have to shut up.

Plus she's really cute, in our opinion.

Emma Watson

Emma Watson
FUN FACT: Emma Watson can turn her neck a full 180 degrees, like an owl, to help her locate prey

Before the Harry Potter films, no-one knew who Emma Watson even was. And in the short time since they've been released, she's become a household name and is pretty much universally liked, or at least not hated, by everyone in the UK. That's something we can only dream of.

And quite aside from that, she's worth well over £23 million, which is fairly impressive considering she's only 21 years old. We can comfortably say that our assets come in at over £23 – maybe even £230, if you catch us at the right time – which is painfully, significantly less than her. About a hundred thousand times less, unless you count our collection of vintage tea towels and PS2 games, in which case everything changes.

Louise Mensch MP

We could probably get cover the fact that she's a Tory, you know

We're not going to get tied down in politics here, because a) we're above all that and b) we don't really understand them, if we're honest. So when Tory MP Louise Mensch has made it onto this list, it's not because we support the policies of the Tory party, nor really possess a full comprehension of what that entails.

In addition to being an MP (which is fairly tricky and a pretty neat job to have), having written 15 chick-lit books and tackled hyper-dickbag Piers Morgan in the Leveson Inquiry, Louise is undoubtedly the best-looking person in all of the UK Governmental system, which takes some beating. It's not necessarily as good as biking to the South Pole, fair, but it's still a fairly impressive achievement. Quite often we're not even the best looking person in the room, but to fair, we do hang out with a lot of models.

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama hefts her weighty jugs around the White House lawn. "They're a handful alright" one bystander later reported

We're not talking about the fact that Michelle is married to Barack Obama, the coolest President the United States has ever had. That's just getting married to someone. That's not an achievement. We've met married people, and they often don't seem very happy about it at all.

But Michelle Obama's been through Princeton, and studied Law at Harvard. She challenged racial prejudices at every point of the way through her career in law, and has served in more influential positions than we care to count - literally, there's too many, just try to read her Wikipedia page - continually looking to improve her surroundings and community. She 's fighting childhood obesity in America, she serves on the board of directors for the Chicago Council for Global Affairs, and she's been voted Most Fashionable and Best Dressed by a ridiculous number of magazines.

We've not even got a joke lined up. This woman is incredible, and we're guessing you've got to be at least President of the United States before you start feeling like you're on equal terms with her.