Would you know how to handle a hooker?

Until now FHM has been your guide to all things entertainment. What you need is to live a little. This new weekly feature will exhibit some of the most outrageous experiences of some of the best writers to contribute to the world of journalism. From Getting High On Yoga to How To Infiltrate A Cult – you’re going to be guided into the most exciting, depraved, original experiences the world has to offer.

These stories are from A Hedonist’s Guide To Life and provide you with a way of planning your next trip without basing it solely on the weather. Using the new Hg2.com website and these weekly guides, you will be able to plan an experience rather than just a shift in geography for a week or two. Get ready to start conquering life - the hedonist’s way.

How to Handle a Hooker by Sebastian Horsley
Sebastian is an artist, author of Dandy in the Underworld, and a man who's slept with a 1,000 prostitutes. Actually, it is more like 1,200.

I remember the first time I had sex – I still have the receipt. The girl was alive, as far as I could tell: she had a warm body, and she was better than nothing. She cost me £20. I remember thinking I could have strangled her for £50. I was sixteen then and I’m 44 now. I have spent 25 years throwing my money and heart at tarts. I have slept with every nationality in every position in every country. I am a connoisseur of prostitution: I can take its bouquet, taste it, roll it around my mouth, give you the vintage. I have used brothels, saunas, private homes found on the internet and ordered girls to my flat prompt as pizza. While we are on the subject I have also run a brothel. And I have been a male escort.

I wish I were more ashamed.

But I’m not. You see, I love prostitutes and everything about them. They are the most honest and open people on God’s earth. For a dandy, whores soon cease to be what they are for most bores – a substitute for regular women. It is regular women that are a substitute – and a poor one – for prostitutes. Here, you get the sensation of sex without the boredom of its conveyance. Ergo, you will have fun. Brothels are magical places. They enable astounding physical intimacy without the intervention of personality. I love the artificial paradise of them: the anonymity, the squalor, and the use of money (that most impersonal instrument of intimacy) to buy the ultimate act of intimacy. It’s lust over love, sensation over security and the opportunity to fall into a woman’s arms without falling into her hands.

So here’s how to go about it.

The Walk-Ups
In Amsterdam the girls all stand in the windows shimmering as tantalising as tropical fish beyond the gleam of aquarium glass. But in London you can’t see them so there’s always the exhilaration of not knowing what you're going to get. A fuck in Soho will cost you £25, the same fuck, £50 in Shepherd Market in Mayfair. Strangely, there is no real correlation between price and quality in the business of selling pleasure. I have fucked whores as gorgeous as Raquel Welch for £25 and as hideous as Ann Widdecombe for £200. The abnormalities in the market would have confused even Mr Keynes. Shop around.

Always tip the maid at least £2. And always always be polite. I believe in manners – even though I am a cannibal, I do say grace.

The Saunas
There are hundreds of places scattered over the country where you can get raped and have a sauna at the same time. The first thing you need to do is buy McCoy’s British Massage Parlour Guide. This is the Egon Ronay volume for the professional fornicator. I made it a point of principle to visit every single establishment in London and so should you. In the more expensive ones the girls parade in front of you one by one like bowls of sushi on a carousel. It is very sweet. And fucking in a sauna is very exciting. It’s also a levelling experience. It’s not the heat, it’s the humility.

The Escort Agencies
Go to the internet or the Yellow Pages. The call-outs are more expensive (about £250 for a house visit; most take credit cards) but the big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. What’s nice about this experience is you can order your dream girl – squaw, doormat, trophy, Barbie – just like that. Also, you’ve got more chance of a kiss. Hookers, like wives, don’t kiss. A kiss is like a job application made on the top floor for a position going in the basement. With whores, the basement is permanently let, but the top floor is locked.

So, have fun my darlings. And remember: don’t listen to those awful liberal-minded, fatty feminist-flag-waving doommongers who say prostitution is evil. Who are we to tell someone what parts they can and cannot sell of themselves? If we make a choice to sell our minds and souls to the highest bidder, but give our bodies away for free, why should we think it wrong if someone did the opposite? Sex is one of the most wholesome, spiritual and natural things that money can buy.

Content copyright of Sebastian Horsley / Hg2.com

Buy A Hedonist's Guide To Life here.