Taken from A Hedonist’s Guide to Life
Lucas is a journalist who has flirted with food and drink from an indecently young age
This is a matter about which I am approached for advice more frequently than any other. It is a skill, I hardly need point out, that is likely to be called into service regularly throughout adult life – particularly among those of good breeding – and it is doubtless for this reason that young men experience such acute anxiety when their prowess is tested for the first time. My counsel is always the same: a solid grounding in technique will prevent even the most nervous of novices from appearing inexperienced. I can think of no better teacher in this regard than the late Earl of Orpington, who always approached his subject with a lusty passion. His memoir, Popping Corks: A Lifetime’s Encounters With Bubbly Friends, contains a useful 10-point plan, which should be the constant companion of every young buck. I have taken the liberty of reproducing his guidelines below.
Step 1: Chill for at least two hours beforehand – essential for enjoying the experience to the full.
Step 2: Position yourself on a stout chair or sofa. Some men prefer to stand, but in my view, this show-off tendency carries an unacceptable risk of injury.
Step 3: Use your fingers to locate the closure around the neck and quickly undo it. Don’t worry if you find this a little fiddly; it remains complicated, even after years of practice. Bear in mind, though, that prolonged delay is likely to be frustrating and may ruin the moment.
Step 4: Peel off the top, taking care to control the pressure. It is all too easy to take someone’s eye out with a premature pop, especially if there has been undue agitation beforehand.
Step 5: Grip firmly and turn, tilting to 45 degrees as you do so. You should hear a gentle exhalation. Anything more is likely to leave you with a nasty stain on the soft furnishings. You may wish to have a small towel ready to deal with any unfortunate accidents.
Step 6: Insert thumb in bottom: by far the most elegant approach and will show that you are a man of experience; grasping clumsily at the middle – or worse, the neck – will mark you out as a rank amateur.
Step 7: Take a nicely proportioned “coupe” in one hand and moisten as you see fit. Savour the moment. (A note on size: big ones are regarded as somewhat gauche. In my view all have their merits, although I would concede that small ones feel nicer in the mouth.)
Step 8: Take in the colour. It’s not uncommon to find anything from blushing pink to a rich gold. My personal preference has always been for the latter; the Italians, curiously, seem to favour a greenish tinge.
Step 9: Inhale deeply. What do you smell? A certain yeastiness is normal, but there may also be a slight whiff of apples, pear or even peaches. Depending on vintage, you might also expect to detect a hint of biscuit or even brioche. The latter is more usual in the grand houses of France, and also in some of the more sophisticated Aussies and New Zealanders. Only you can know which of the above is most appealing. Personally, nothing arouses my interest like the lingering aroma of toast.
Step10: Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.
Having used the above strategy on countless occasions, I can say that the results have never been anything less than intoxicating. On which note, I have found that it works just as well as a guide to the enjoyment of champagne as to the modus operandi of seduction – worth bearing in mind if ever grappling with both at the same time.
In these circumstances, a little ostentatious spending goes a long way. Few women – or, indeed, men – can fail to notice a bottle of Krug or Dom Perignon. And remember that vintage, though more expensive, is generally a more fulfilling experience, and in good years, even those houses whose usual blends leave one’s stomach clamouring to exit via one’s throat, can produce a bubbly that is rich and rounded. I find this enables you to drink considerably more – seldom a bad thing.
A final note: be prepared to experiment with small houses. Not only are many of these a good deal cheaper than the grandes marques, but you may well turn up an idiosyncratic gem. Many is the time I have regaled a lover with my intimate knowledge of a Diebolt-Vallois, Larmandier-Bernier or Egly Ouriet.
Something to remember if ever your physical charms let you down.
Content copyright of Lucas Hollweg.
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