Fashion. The modern minefield that can either make the man or spark a long-running joke that your mates will never let you live down.
Here are the 10 mistakes we've all made at some point. And if you haven't, take these as a checklist of what not to wear rather than a guide to being a real man. Learn from us...
10 White trousers
You thought you looked sleek, suave and sophisticated. You thought girls would laugh and touch you lightly on the arm as you topped up their expensive crystal flutes with the finest chilled Cristal. Turns out you just looked like an out-of-work Freddie Mercury tribute act.
09 Global hypercolour tees
The T-shirt that was actual magic, this gem of the ’90s changed colour depending on how hot it was. It was truly amazing until you realised that all it did was show all the girls just how much of an overheated sweaty bastard you were.
08 Bleached hair
Here is a list of all the men in the world who look good with bleached blond hair: Eminem, Kurt Cobain. Here is a list of all the men in the world who look idiotic with bleached blonde hair: EVERYONE ELSE. Not only does blonde dye turn your hair ginger 92% of the time (everytime), it also causes itchy scalp, baldness, and you to look like a total bellend.
07 Tucked-in T-shirts
Slipping your tee inside your waistband is the kind of wrong-brained sartorial experiment that you only ever try just once. “I look clean-cut-yet-bad-ass, like Tom Cruise in Top Gun,” you say to yourself, as you nod admiringly at the mirror. “You look like a pigeon-chested crooner from a failed early-’90s boyband called Hunkz R Us 2Nite,” says everyone down the pub. They’re right.
06 Bollock-crushing skinny jeans
“Yeah, those super-super-super-skinny jeans look great on Russell Brand. And Russell Brand gets all the ladies. I’m totally gonna give them a go.” Cue half an hour slipping your arse into a pair of XS Topman trousers, an evening spent walking like Danny Dyer doing a Monty Python impression and the rest of the night winching yourself out of them with talcum powder and KY jelly.
05 Drug reference tops
The idea is simple enough: use a cheap T-shirt to display the fact you were a) a rebel and b) a double-hard bastard. The problems: 1) They only came in one size – extra, extra, extra fat bastard, and 2) They make zero sense – "I love the Pope / the Pope smokes dope" offers as profound a message as "Adihash gives you speed". Not to mention that at the time of wearing, the closest you’d come to a brush with recreational drug use was that time your mum accidentally gave you double the recommended dose of junior paracetamol.
04 Demented over-branding
We’ve all been there: that transient teenage phase where you’re literally willing to steal your mates’ lunch money to invest in the sort of branded clothing your pocket money won’t cover. The problem is that while you felt cooler than the cool one from 5ive, you actually looked like a department store had just thrown up on you. Becoming a logo-plastered human billboard never got any man laid (unless that man was a F1 driver).
Ah, curtains. Everyone has been there. Those misguided teenage years when you believed there to be a correlation between a floppy fringe and pulling power. Sadly, there wasn’t, but by that time you’d already invested your pocket money in wet-look Brylcreem. Still, it worked for late-’90s Daveid Beckham.
02 Socks and sandals
It’s summer, but it’s also a little bit chilly, especially in the shade. So it just makes sense to wear socks with sandals. It’s the practical option – just really, you know, sensible. Yes, people will point and laugh and refuse to be seen with you in public. But who’ll have the last laugh when it gets a bit nippy? Yes, everyone else, because you’re the only eejit wearing socks with sandals.
01 Wrap-around shades
It’s a known fact that Bret "The Hitman" Hart is the coolest man that ever lived, not just because of his lovely, shiny hair, but also because he wore wraparound sunglasses almost all the time. However, unless you’re a 19-stone wrestler, you should not attempt this look yourself. Ever.
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