The sun is shining, girls are wearing floaty dresses and tiny shorts, and we menfolk have ever-expanding sweat patches forming in our pits. It can mean only one thing: summer is officially upon us.

And with the warm weather set to continue over the weekend – scorchio! – the nation’s parks, gardens and beaches will be filled with half-naked, sun-starved Brits desperately soaking up the sun’s sweet, cancerous rays.

We all want to have fun in the sun, but nowadays, it’s cool to play safe. Avoid the big bad burn with these top sun survival tips…

RESPECT THE SUN

The sun’s great, right? Wrong! It’s a massive fireball made up of bubbling plasma that basically hates you. It beams down Ultraviolet A rays which cause premature aging, and Ultraviolet B ones which give you skin cancer.

APPLY SUNCREAM BEFORE TAKING ON THE BEACH

Too late, sunshine!

There’s no use applying lotion once you’re out – the sun is already boring into your flesh. Do yourself a favour, and cream up at least 15 minutes before unveiling your body to onlookers. It’ll prevent premature burning, which means that you won’t be hobbling home after an hour, clawing tearfully at itchy red bits.

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO WATER

The sun will work hard to dehydrate you. Dehydration begins when you feel thirsty, and if unquenched, it can lead to fainting and then death. Remedy this by packing two great big bottles of water. Experts recommend that you freeze them overnight beforehand.

USE HIGHER FACTORS ON SENSITIVE AREAS

The underside of your knees, the small area that is part-ankle, part-shin, that new tattoo of Minnie Mouse on the small of your back – these are just some of the danger zones. Think about the parts of your body that rarely see sunlight, and treat them as you would a newborn child – by drenching them in Factor 30 or more.

WEAR A HAT

 Look like dicks, act like dicks, but don't get sunburn like dicks

Too much sun on your head can lead to heat stroke, which will send your pulse rate rocketing and make you feel really dizzy. Who looks stupid now? The happy man in the floral fedora? Or the sick one who can’t stand without chucking-up and falling over in front of hot girls?

FIND SOME SHADE

Between the hours of 11am and 3pm, the sun is at its most brutal, and WILL try to destroy you. During these times, it’s important to have access to shade, be it beneath a makeshift sunbrella, a tree, or sprawled underneath your damp beach towel. Remember, even if you have a tan, you can still burn.

REAPPLY LOTION THROUGHOUT THE DAY

Been for a paddle in the ocean? Just enjoyed a frantic game of Frisbee with some old men? Uh oh, did you see a hot girl take her top off and sweatily erupt? Then you’ll need to reapply your suntan lotion. Do this every 90 minutes regardless.

IF YOU MUST, WEAR A T-SHIRT

If you have the kind of skin that just doesn’t cope with sunlight, accept it and wear a T-shirt. No, it’s not ideal, but neither is looking like you’ve just been skinned by the weird half-invisible alien beasty in Predator when you’re trying to hook up with hot chicks.

YOUR TANNING PROTECTION TABLE

Confused about which SPF (sun protection factor) to smear all over your naked body? Don’t be. Just obey the rules of the table.