If, like us, you’ve just been paid after what felt like the longest month in history, you’ll probably be feeling pretty pleased with yourself. Flush, even. We had lobster for breakfast this morning; smoked unicorn for lunch and, oh, is that? Yep, sorry – just a bit of caviar caught in our beard there. We won’t even eat it - that's how thunderously wealthy we are.

(Next week, when we've spent all of our paltry wages on cool T-shirts and lobster, d'you think there's any chance you could lend us a tenner?)

There's snow forecast this weekend

All Sleet No Snow
Supremebeing, £15

At least we thought there was. We went on BBC Weather to check, and look what they're forecasting:

Yellow snow

Yellow snow! On the BBC! Teeheehee! This is better than the time that bloke said "wanker" on Countdown.

We can't begin to describe how light these are

Dispair London
Dispair London, £49.95

It's like wearing two canvas Maltesers on your feet. Be warned, though: go back to regular footwear after wearing these and you'll feel like a clown who's rubbed the Mafia up the wrong way.

Touching people in a sandwich shop is unwise

Disney sweatshirt
A Thousand Thankyous, £39.99

According to fashion people, "Disney hands are everywhere at the moment". Are they? Well, fashion people, we just checked the hands of everyone in Neal's Sandwich Shop and they all had plain old human hands. We can't begin to describe our disappointment. We shan't be going there again. Yes, that is partly because we're barred.

Yeah, just a plain black satc... WOAH

BLK Pine Workshop Satchel
BLK Pine Workshop, £139.99

If you looked at bags by starting at the bottom and panning up, in the same way you'd look at, say, the Eiffel Tower, this is the equivalent of the iron lady's antenna being a big middle finger. Or something.

It's a cap with a sad-looking panda on it

Enjoi panda cap
Enjoi, £24.99

Remember a few months ago, everyone was talking about those pandas coming to Edinburgh Zoo? You don't hear much about them now, do you? It's like the zoological version of Big Brother.