Looking for a brilliantly messy backpack, some bright red trainers, a jumper with lots of photos on it or some rich people to eat for lunch?

SOMETIMES THE WORDS ON T-SHIRTS ARE CRAYCRAY

Fly53 Chaos T-shirt 
Fly53, £25

"Special feature: eat the rich"? We've tried to get that one past our publisher and they're just not having it. Such a shame; we've always thought Richard Branson looks pretty fucking moreish.

THIS BACKPACK AIN'T LIKE NO OTHER BACKPACK

Eastpak paint splattered backpack
Eastpak, £110

There's only 250 of these little beauties, and each and every one is paint splattered by hand, probably by some avant garde 'artiste' called 'Zed' in a studio under a subway paid for by his dispairing corporate slave parents.

THESE TRAINERS ARE ALMOST AS COOL AS FOOD

Nike Braata JD Sports
Nike, £50

They're called the Nike Braata, which is a Caribbean word meaning 'a small portion added to a purchase of food by a market vendor, to encourage the customer to return'. There is literally NOTHING we like more than free Caribbean food. That is a comprehensively STRONG name. Trainers named after emotions, aeroplanes and mythical Greek gods should take a long, hard look at themselves.

THIS SWEATSHIRT LOOKS LIKE INSTAGRAM

Topman sweatshirt
Topman, £28

Instagram's a funny thing, isn't it? People just can't resist making everything they see look like a 70s Polaroid snap. If we see one more 'moody landscape' of a Tesco car park, we'll be forced to point out that engineers have put a lot of time and effort into developing photographic technology to accurately capture moments and memories, which makes it a bit ungrateful of us to say "Nah, let's just make it look all old and blurry again" like the old days, DONTCHATHINK?

THIS T-SHIRT MAKES US HAPPYSAD

Pretty Green The Who T-shirt 
Pretty Green, £50

YES, Pete Townshend. YES, The Who. YES, Quadrophenia. YES, 100% luxury cotton. YES, the tragically transient dichotomy between happiness and sorrow. YES.