Hooray, the cold snap is over! You know what this means, don’t you? Yes, that’s right, the return of good old ordinarily chilly and damp weather! Huzzah!
THIS IS ONE MESSED UP-LOOKING LION
In he staggers. "Oh hi, Simba. Yeah, of course all those pesky hyenas handily disappeared leaving you to lead a conveniently Disney-friendly life with Nala and the rest of you. No, no, I'm FINE. Don't worry about the blood. Of course they didn't come back while you were all pissing about in the water hole with Timon and that lardy one. No, I didn't need that eye. Me? Having to fight them all off single-handedly? Don't be so ridiculous. I'm just going for a little lay down." *Topples over*
WE'RE ALL GOING ON A SCUMMY HOLIDAY
Don’t waste this towel’s potential by taking it to a skanky resort in Malia where the beach actually looks like this. Take it somewhere outrageously exclusive, with sand so white you can see the reflection of your sweaty scrotum in it, revel in the supercilious looks you get from the bourgeoisie and enjoy all that lovely space you get because EVERYBODY THERE HATES YOU.
A REAL HERO
The blurb says “the McQueen is the anti-hero shoe”. We’re not entirely sure how a shoe can be an anti-hero, let alone the anti-hero, but we imagine it involves coming to your rescue to dance you out of trouble, like some kind of freerunning ninja, and then tying its own laces together and tripping you over as you walk past that cute flyer girl in the hot dog costume.
TWO TURTLE T-SHIRTS IN TWO WEEKS - ARE WE MAD?
Nah, we just really like turtles.
WHY IS THIS BACKPACK CALLED THE TRAMPS BACKPACK?
We have literally NEVER seen a tramp carrying a backpack as cool as this. If we did, we'd ask for our £1-that-time-we-were-a-bit-drunk-and-happy and countless shame-faced nods of 'sorry mate, you know how it is' back.