If, like us, you’ve recently been paid, you’ll also be experiencing the dizzy rush of seeing some black numbers in your bank account once more. Sure, it’ll only be a week until we’ve blown it all on fast cars and beautiful women (well, cool clothes and tasty ice creams, anyway), but WHAT A WEEK IT WILL HAVE BEEN.

TICK! TOCK! THAT'S THE SOUND OF DA POLICE!

Police watch
Police, £119

If only the actual police looked this futuristic and stylish, people probably wouldn't be trying to make them take a bleep test every year. "I haven't got time to run 20 metres between two fucking cones, I've got cyborg-homicide to prevent and the DA on my ass*!"

*They always say that thing about the DA, it's standard protocol.

SOMETIMES DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES ARE ONE AND THE SAME

Mario Hugo shirt
It's Nice That for ASOS, £40

It's a bit like a Hawaiian shirt - which are normally the reserve of rotund 'funnymen' who crowd round the barbecue and act all wacky - but fused with the nightmares of a troubled and fromage-filled teenager. "The forks are coming to get me, and the trees - the trees are trying to steal my olives." Chilling stuff. 

THEY DO THE HARD WORK, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A PRICK

Superga white
Superga, £45

The single worst thing about buying white trainers is how bloody white they are when you first get them. The minute you slip them on, you instantly become as inconspicuous as a kid carrying a shiny leather briefcase on his first day at 'big school'. So you spend ages shuffling your feet around in dusty alleys and going to gigs of bands you hate just so rockers will stand on your toes, until eventually you've got the perfect lived-in look. And then the soles fall off. 

Why not take all the stress out of it by buying a brand new pair that look like they've got a few stories to tell? What next, pre-chewed sandwiches?

BUY YOURSELF SOME FLOWERS (AND THIS POLO SHIRT)

Merc Philbeach floral polo shirt
Merc, £45

The first time you buy flowers 'just because they're nice to have around the place' is a weird moment in your life. Your younger self is screaming at you: “What are you doing?! You don’t need flowers! They serve no purpose! That £3.99 could be spent on man-things! Like beer! And beards! Who do you think you are?!” but you don’t care because you’re in a place of blissful wonder as refreshing notes of summer whooft up your nose and make your weekend fuzz by in a haze of loveliness.

IT'S A BIG YELLOW PACKPACK

Topman yellow backpack
Topman, £20

It's big. It's yellow. And it's a backpack. We bloody love it, and it's infinitely better than carrying your possessions in a genetically modified oversized banana.