When FHM was invited to the new Ted Grooming Room in Mayfair – the latest in Ted Baker’s line of decadent man-parlours – we got a bit excited.

After all, we haven’t had a close shave before, and we’ve been going to the same barber for 18 years. His name’s Monty, in case you were wondering. Whiskery. Quiet. Likes to get the job done.

So after a fun day at FHM towers, one involving cheeseburgers, puppies and water balloon fights, we were pretty stressed, so went down to see what the fuss was about.

Ted Baker himself wasn’t present, but we were soon sat down and chatting about what we would like done. FHM sat back and relaxed, wondering why we watched Sweeney Todd at the weekend.

It was a bit scratchy, but didn’t hurt, and was oddly satisfying. Like striking a match. Wait, is this what it feels like to be that strip of card on the side of a matchstick box that gets struck? Ffffkkrrrrt. Or something.

Ted Baker Grooming Room
This is a beard. A fine beard

The barber wasted no time slapping pleasant gels on our face, designed to help relax the skin after it’s brief massacre. The stinging, he assured us, was a good thing.

But perhaps the most curious part of the event – apart from drinking a rapidly re-filling glass of scotch throughout – was the part that came next.

"Close your eyes, this might sting a bit," said the barber. A sharp, hot pain struck FHM in the ear – opening our eyes, we saw he had lit a long bit of tape on fire and was whipping our ears to burn away excess fluff.

Ted Baker Grooming Room
Put these sort of things in your hair and on your face. They smell nice

"It’s awful when you see TV presenters or bands on TV, and they zoom in so you can see the little white fuzz around their ear," the owner explained afterwards. That explains the Turkish ear-burning ritual, then.

Now with fresh, youthful ears and a face smelling of Healthiness, we had a quick haircut. A lock-chop, a wig-bash, call it what you like – we only vaguely told the barber what we wanted (no dinner + excessive scotch = slurred speech) but he did a proper good job.

With shorter hair, clean ears, a smooth face and a hankering for fast food, we left Ted’s Grooming Room in high spirits – and would recommend it to anyone looking to fix up and look sharp.

If you think this might be good for you, get your hairy chin to Ted's Grooming Room and thank us later.