Collar up

The only two people who ever pulled this off were Eric Cantona and Mike Skinner. Being, respectively, a footballing genius and a millionaire pop star give them leeway that you don’t have.

Football top

Never to be worn outside of a kick-about or when there’s no game on. This one is also too big which swamps the frame and looks like a hangover from your teenage years when you wanted to look bigger so you hid yourself under enormous, outsized clothes.

Top longer than track top

The longer length of the football shirt gives no definition to the top half of the body, the waistline is lost and it looks a mess. It also draws attention to the fabric – cheap nylon – that is flaring out at the bottom.

Dress watch

If you’re in loafing mode, give your decent watch some respect, and take it off – it should match your outfit as well as any other accessory. Wearing the same watch that you would to the office tells everyone that you’ve only got one.

Baggy jeans

Pull them up. We’re not suggesting any Simon Cowell-like trouser activity, but your greying smalls are a sight best left to the the inside of your washing machine. You should have stopped buying super-baggies years ago (particularly if they have a picture of a bloke smoking a spliff or a graffiti “tag” embroidered on the back pocket).

 

Bootcut

If your legs lack length a bootcut jean is a quick way to make them look even shorter and stumpier. The point where the jean begins to flare on the calf is where the eye is drawn and that’s where your leg will appear to end – rather than drawing the eye straight down to the shoe. These are also too long and should sit a good inch and a half above the bottom of the sole of your shoe. A straight-leg jean is a better option.

Work shoes

Wrong, whenever you’re trying to look casual. Extra wrong when they’re swamped by the bootcut ankle on the jeans.