How to win at life with the best of FHMManFood

Posted by , 08 August 2013

14 ways to pimp your cheese on toast

14 ways to pimp your cheese on toast

We asked Cheese shop founder Patricia Michelson to help FHM dish up some classy twists on this old-school snack, the mother of all half-arsed culinary delights, cheese and mother-flipping toast.

If this doesn't make you hungry, nothing will. Or you're lactose intolerant.


01 CROQUE MONSIEUR


 

Grated Gruyère, three slices of smoked ham, salt and pepper.

Pat says “Swiss mountain cheese tastes so good due to the sweet salty crystalisation that happens when it ages.”

Tastes: Strong and stinky, like a French weightlifter.


02 YEAH BUT NAAN



Large naan bread, three slices paneer cheese, coriander.

Pat says: “A pack of paneer cheese is sold every ?30 seconds, somewhere in this crazy, cheese-loving world.”

Tastes: Like being fired out of a cannon into the Taj Mahal.


03 WELSH RAREBIT



Wholegrain bread, mature Cheddar, Welsh ale, mustard powder, salad, Worcester sauce

Pat says: “Welsh rarebit is supposed to be called Welsh rabbit, it’s just commonly misspelt.”

Tastes: Fel rhyw mewn ysgubor!

 


04 THE MAD MAN



Applewood smoked Cheddar, sherry vinegar.

Pat says: “The Cheddar is smoked over actual apple wood, which gives it a tangy spiciness.”

Tastes: Pleasantly smoky, like the charred remains of a Foot Locker with looters pouring out.

 


05 THE WEIGHT WATCHER


 

Vogel’s seedy batch, reduced-fat Cheddar, spinach.

Pat says “Reduced-fat cheese is a nonsense ‘healthy option’ because it’s usually full of salt.”

Tastes: The opposite of Nigella Lawson’s lovely fat arse.


06 EGG SURPRISE


 


Thick-cut white with a hole cut out, one egg, sliced Cheddar, salt and pepper.

Pat says: “Extra-mature Cheddar needs to be matured for 15 months before it’s nice and strong.”

Tastes: Like pickled horse dick! No, it tastes like egg. Obviously.  


07 PATCHWORK COUNTIES



White bread, red Leicester, Cheddar, Wensleydale.

Pat says: “Red Leicester isn’t naturally red. It’s coloured red with annatto seed to attract attention from all the other cheeses that look the same.”

Tastes: Nothing like the City of Leicester.


08 THE POSHO



Toasted brioche, goat’s cheese, caramelised onion chutney, swan feathers (optional).

Pat says: “Goat’s cheese contains a third of the fat of cow’s milk cheese (eg Cheddar), and is easier to digest.”

Tastes: Half cake, half toast, all joy.


09 POOR MAN’S PIZZA



White bread, mozzarella, ketchup, Peperami, onions, peppers.

Pat says: “Mozzarella came to prominence in Naples in the 18th century.”

Tastes: Best when you’re drunk. So drunk that you try and chat-up a night bus.  

 


10 TEXAS CHEESE ON TOAST MASSACRE


Thick-sliced white, Cheddar slices with Mexican spices, Tabasco, guacamole.

Pat says: “Processed cheese’s main advantage is it lasts longer.”

Tastes: Cheap and spicy. Like your mum. Joking!

 


11 THE PURITAN



Value white bread, mild cheddar cheese, Lea & Perrins.

Pat says: “In 1840 Queen Victoria was given a 1,000Ib wheel of cheese as a wedding present.”

Tastes: Like the crumbs down the side of Noel Edmonds’ sofa.

 


12 THE RIVER COTTAGE



Caerphilly, Dijon mustard, two slices ham, egg, chopped parsley.

Pat says: “Caerphilly is crumbly, slightly acidic and Welsh, so it goes well with beer.”

Tastes: Good after one beer... life changing after six.


13 THE PLOUGHMANS



Cheese, pickle, white bread, apple, celery.

Pat says: “Only Cheddar made within four counties of south west England can call itself West Country Farmhouse Cheddar.”

Tastes: Like being a peasant in the Middle Ages, but in a good way.

 


14 THE LACTOSE INTOLERANT



A slice of toast

Pat says: “5% of adults in the UK are lactose intolerant [lactose is a type of sugar found most notably in milk].”

Tastes: Like being suddenly, traumatically weened off your mother’s beloved teets.

Photography by Ria Osborne

 

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