This is not a gift guide.

Why is this not a gift guide?

Because gift guides are pointless bullshit.

A gift guide shows you tonnes of products, more than you could possibly hope to buy, and leaves you to decide which to purchase. A bit like a shop, then?

Instead of wasting our time and yours peddling a load of shit that nobody cares about, we hit the windy streets to find out how much folk are spending on presents, what they want, and what presents are unforgivably shit.

Then, with that invaluable insight in our present buying holster, we scoured the internet to find a single gift for each member of your family.

BUY THIS FOR YOUR DAD OR HE'LL THINK YOU'RE A DICK

Wonders Brian Cox
Amazon, £12.99

At the very least it'll save you being forced to watch El Dorado for the sixth day running.

BUY THIS FOR YOUR MUM OR SHE'LL BE FORCED TO ADMIT YOU'RE HER LEAST LOVED, EVEN IF YOU ARE AN ONLY CHILD


John Lewis, £16

Put a nice family photo in it, unless she's really got a thing for vintage street lamps.

BUY THIS FOR YOUR SISTER OR SHE'LL PULL ONE OF YOUR MATES ON NYE


Cowshed, £18.50

You can't get an actual cow that fits in your pocket for £18.50.

BUY THIS FOR YOUR BROTHER OR HE'LL BRING UP THAT STORY ABOUT THE TIME YOU TRIED TO POST YOUR KNOB THROUGH NEXT DOOR'S LETTERBOX WHEN YOU WERE FOUR IN FRONT OF YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND AND SHE WON'T LIKE YOU AS MUCH AND YOU'LL BE ALL SAD AND THAT


Skate Mental, £19.99

If he doesn't like T-shirts with cats on, are you sure he's your brother?

BUY THIS FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR SHE'LL FIND SOMEONE BETTER


Champneys, from £25

Let her relax and unwind, at least until you pick her up at the end of the day and thrash the hell out of your N-reg Clio trying to get home before Match of the Day.