We can ignore it no longer. There’s an elephant in the room, and that elephant is wearing an ill-fitting Santa suit, stuffing mince pies into his gob with his trunk and trumpeting “Ittttttttttttt’sssssssssssssss Christmasssssssssssssssss!” at full volume while juggling some glitzy baubles.
Basically, it's Christmas.
So you’re going to have to go shopping. But, GOOD NEWS, the whole economy is fucked, so the shops are desperately dropping their trousers like a man who's just discovered his belt is made of miniature ravening alligators, meaning your present-buying won't set you back as much as usual.
This means you'll have money left over. Money to spend on yourself. Yeah, that's the spirit.
It's not called a 'Funky Christmas Jumper' for nothing, y'know
Funky Christmas Jumpers, £33.99
For eleven months a year, wearing the disembodied head of your venison supper on your chest might be considered odd. "Why are you wearing a jumper with a reindeer's head on?" folk might ask. "How's he keeping that scarf up when there's nothing underneath it?" they may scoff. And these would be valid questions. But, during December, all you'll hear is "WOW THAT IS AWESOME" and "WHERE CAN I GET ONE?" Seriously, we tweeted a picture of it earlier and the internet went ABLAZE with excitement. Well, three people asked where they could get one, which is three more responses than every other tweet we've ever done.
Not just any stripey T-shirt
Bewley & Ritch, £35
If you've ever been in the (admittedly highly bloody unlikely) situation where you're buying a T-shirt and you're all confused because you couldn't decide whether you wanted stripey sleeves or plain sleeves, then your (incredibly specific and almost certainly never going to occur) problem has been well and truly solved, 'coz this bad boy has both.
Hey, what's that? Now you're not sure if you want dark blue stripes or orange stripes...
This boots will save you from embarrassment and maybe DEATH
Nicholas Deakins, £120
Around this time last year, it had snowed EVERYWHERE. We were carefully tiptoeing our way home, down a big hill, when a guy in a suit and some loafers overtook us at speed. 'Jeez,' we thought. 'He's giving it some. Maybe it's not that dangerous, after all. Maybe we could stop gripping onto this parked car like our life depends on it and walk at a normal pace.' And d'you know what happened next? That guy's legs went flying into the air in front of him and he landed with a thuddy crunch. It wasn't pleasant. The moral of the story? Buy these boots. And, if you're going to fall over in the snow, try to do it in front of someone who cares more about first aid than camera phone comedy gold.
1967 was one helluva year
Rolling Stone had it's first issue. The first ever Super Bowl was played. The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper's. Milton Keynes was founded. Pink Floyd released their debut album. The Summer of Love happened in San Francisco. WOOF. What a year. Obviously everyone in England was too hungover from World Cup celebrations the previous year to notice any of these life changing events, but still. Milton Keynes!
A bag to put stuff in
Throughout the last however many weeks, we've shown you absolutely tonnes of cool shit. We imagine you've bought every single bit of it, like an eager woodpecker with one of those Argos number inputy machine things in front of his beak. But how are you going to transport all that stuff when you go home for Christmas? Are we expecting you to wear it all at once like that "Could I BE wearing any more clothes?" episode of Friends? No. No we are not. We are expecting you to put it all in this lovely bag, which is one of those great things that looks better with age, the more battered it gets. The opposite of your balls, basically.