It’s the first five coolest of 2012 and, already, this year’s a classic. After all, where else do you get T-shirts featuring homicidal television sets?

This beanie is better than bird food at keeping your head warm

Duck and Cover beanie
Duck and Cover, £9

You can’t get much for nine quid these days. You could go to Poundland and get 7,200 grammes of Bill Oddie’s Really Wild Bird Food, of course, but you’d be ill advised to use that as a means to keep your bonce warm. Instead, you could get this fetching and peck-free beanie from Duck and Cover. Tough call.

This T-shirt watched the same Christmas telly we did

TV made me kill T-shirt
Dirty Velvet, £28

It’s a familiar scene: you’ve spent more time in the company of your family than can be considered healthy, you’ve all reached that point where every little loudly-chewed nut and slurped eggnog is met with angry “tssk”s and death stares, when some family hero has the bright idea to switch on your trusted friend, the good old tellybox.

The atmosphere is noticeably lifted. Tension begins to seep from the room at the very mention of some entertainment that doesn’t involve board games or family photos. Excited glances are exchanged. It’s like you’re about to watch the first ever television broadcast, and it’s the moon landings, and it’s in 3D.

Then the TV fizzes into action and it’s Ab Fab

Supreme Being poster

Supremebeing poster
Supremebeing, £35

You might think that £35 is a bit steep for a poster. For that amount, you could go to HMV and kit out your whole flat in wall accoutrements. But do you really want the same old Scarface and ‘two girls kissing in monochrome’ images, when you could have this limited edition – there’s only 25 – print of a polar bear by Skuff?

This Diesel watch is like a supermodel quantum physicist – sexy but confusing

Diesel watch
Diesel, £139

If your New Year’s resolution was to start being more punctual, what better way than to buy yourself a new timepiece? You could argue that it would make more sense to buy a watch that features things like hands and numbers and THE TIME, but it wouldn't be anywhere near as pretty as this watchy vajazzle (wajazzle?).

These boots are nice but not as nice as a pocket-sized pet crocodile

Lacoste chukka boots
Lacoste, £84.99

Imagine for a moment, if you will, having an actual miniature pet crocodile in your life. What a treat that would be. When you find yourself trapped in the bath, cornered by a devilish-looking arachnid, lil TuSnap would come to your rescue and gobble that blighter right up. Not enjoying those veggies your mum's forcing you to eat? Create a diversion, slip it in your pocket and let him go to work. 

Yeah, having a miniature pet crocodile in your life would be belting. We're going to buy one right now. Ooh, and boots. Cool boots.