Steven Gerrard and eight other close shaves

Posted by , 31 July 2009

Michael Jackson

Who’s the lucky fella? Cherub-bothering ex-King of Pop Michael Jackson (God rest his slightly weird soul).

What did he do? Supposedly sexually abused loads of kids. But, as determined in a court of law on two separate occasions, it was all just a nasty rumour.

How the hell did he get away with that? A police inspection of Jackson’s cock and balls was inconsistent with a description given by one of the kids accusing him of abuse. A psychological profile calling Jackson a ‘regressed ten-year-old’ was also key in proving the innocence of his infamous sleepovers.

Is he sorry? Hard to tell, what with being dead and all. But, having supposedly never seen any wrong in his actions, we’d wager that he’s safe. You know, rather than being damned to an eternity of moonwalking on Satan’s red-hot bell-end.

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