Yes. The answer is yes.

After all, have you ever had a girl write into a national magazine just to tell the world how incredible in bed you are? No. No chance. You wouldn't even get on local radio, mate.

Let us explain for those who don’t keep up-to-date with surprisingly upsetting garden gossip: Emma McCabe, a 31-year old from London, told Closer magazine about how, after a few tumultuous breakups, she had finally found her soul mate: a tree, named Tim*.

And it turns out that the poplar, which keep in mind cannot move and probably gave her the world’s most unfortunate splinters, can satisfy a woman more than you could ever dream of.

She said: “He fulfils my emotional and sexual needs. I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week — it’s the best I’ve ever had!”

She’s planning on marrying her tall, dark and handsome beau, and this really should be a wake-up call for all of us. We should all be attempting to make our sex-sessions newsworthy - and in order to do that, we need to get really bloody good at it.

So we thought we’d consult the experts. Unfortunately Tim was unavailable for comment, so we decided to ask a bunch of kinky scientists instead:

 

01  BULK UP

“Numerous muscles in your body (eg buttock, back, arm, thigh) increase their tension prior to and during orgasm,” explains Professor Barry R Komisaruk, author of The Science of Orgasm. “So the stronger you are, the stronger the contraction will be, and the more exciting the orgasm.”

 

02  BAN BEDROOM TECH

And we’re talking all bedroom tech. “To enjoy sex and let go the brain needs to be focused on the task at hand, so to properly orgasm you need to be focused on sex,” advises Diana Wiley, Ph.D. “Do this by banning all modern technology from the bedroom, because the beep of a text message or flashing light of a Blackberry will infiltrate both partner’s minds and consequently reduce both partner’s pleasure.”

 

03  DIVIDE YOUR ATTENTION

“We recently discovered nipple and breast stimulation project to the same brain region as stimulation of the genitals,” states Professor Komisaruk, who leads a research team at Rutgers University. “This is key because it means while stimulating the clitoris, vagina, cervix or breasts is sufficient to stimulate orgasm, stimulating all of them at once produces a more intense, complex orgasm.” Translation? Make sure you've got both of your hands, and your mouth busy...

 

04  BECOME A SEXY SHAKESPEARE

“Great sex is about building anticipation,” reckons Dr Joy Davidson, author of Fearless Sex. “And dirty text messages build anticipation. When you get to work send your partner an explicit text and get her to reply in kind. Carry on till you get home.”

 

05  SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL

Blindfolds – yawn, even Posh and Becks have done that. Yes, but have they added earplugs? “If you restrict one sense the others heighten,” says sex therapist Dr Joy Davidson (joydavidson.com), “but if you restrict two they go berserk. When you can’t see or hear, your reaction to touch is magnified, meaning even a light kiss is incredibly sensual.” Good luck convincing your girlfriend that ear muffs are sexy though...

 

06  MAKE A LIST

“With your partner, list every sex act or fantasy you’ve ever heard of,” explains Dr Joy Davidson. “Then, when your ideas finally run dry, make a second copy and, separately, cross off the ones you find fearsome or grim.” Now merge the ones you’re both happy to try and go for it. Variety is the sexy spice of life people.

 

07  DON’T HAVE SEX

Because, according to intimacy expert Carla Tara, sometimes it’s the worst thing you can do. “When your woman isn’t in the mood, pushing for sex will make her resent you,” explains Carla (carlatara.com). “It’s better to offer her different ways to feel close to you like putting your arm around her waist. This allows her to feel nurtured, non-threatened and, best of all, horny.” Now it’s sex time.

 

08  RING RING – ORGASM CALLING

Recent Indiana University research discovered the addition of vibrating devices results in better sex for both men and women. “Try a vibrating cock ring,” suggests research team leader Debby Herbenick Ph.D. Why? Because it doesn’t give you a giant plastic shaft to compete with, but does give her “enhanced pleasure”.

 

09  SAY ‘HELLO SHINJU’

Or ‘breast bondage’, to those outside Japan. “Shinju is both beautiful and highly arousing,” reveals Dr Joy Davidson. “Research how to construct a ‘rope bra’ online, agree a safe word and then bind your partner. The sexy harness will direct the flow of blood towards her breasts – a process that will make them extremely sensitive to touch.”

 

10  PARK THE WANK TRAIN

Refraining from a shuffle is tough but, says Prof Komisaruk: “Part of the pleasure of orgasm is the build-up of pressure. So if you accumulate ejaculatory fluid, when you do finally come the volume and pressure of semen spurting out will be greater. So will your orgasm.”

 

11  PRAISE HER FUFU

A happy vagina is a horny vagina reckons Debby Herbenick, author of Because It Feels Good. “Next time you’re going down, let her know how beautiful she is. It’ll do wonders for your sex.”

  

Read more crazy true stories from Closer Online

 

 

*Woody. Why would it not be Woody?