YOU WANT...SPECIAL OCCASSION SEX

SHE WANTS IT TOO – BUT WILL YOU AGREE ON WHAT’S SPECIAL?

Here’s the deal – if you want ‘bonus birthday sex’ on Feb 14 you’re going to have to really get her in the mood. No amount of Jedi-mind shit can help you shortcut the golden rule of special occasion sex (hell, all sex): she comes first. Even if you’ve already coughed up for pizza you’re still going to have to blow her mind in the bedroom. The plus side is, if you can  make her feel truly special then it’s your turn to be treated like a sex god. Here’s how...

UNWRAP HER: Most other guys will have torn at her clothes like she’d been in a chemical spill, but if you want her to go beyond the usual call, put as much effort into the undressing as you would into researching the tariff for a new mobile phone. Dim the lights, choose some half-decent mood music, then kiss her with passion as you reach for her first button. “As the clothes fall from her body and the air hits her bare skin, she’ll feel a grazing, tickling sensation, exciting the nerve endings in a new way,” says Dr Patti Britton, author of The Art Of Sex Coaching.

GO SLOW, THEN SLOWER: If you want to convince her tonight is really special, your best weapon is speed. At least for tonight you are not trying to wrap things up in time for Match Of The Day. Josey Vogels, who writes the syndicated sex-advice column My Messy Bedroom says, “Whenever a woman says she wants things to go slower, take what you think is slower and multiply it by 10."

DUST OFF THE SPECIAL MOVES: If you want her to try things that are normally not on the menu, you’re going to have to lead by example. Which means longer than your standard 30 seconds downtown. “If she’s still wearing her panties, kiss her through them,” says Ian Kerner, the renowned sexologist (iankerner.com). “Then delicately peel them to the side to reveal her vulva.” Next, Ian says, breathe hotly onto it, and then blow gently on her clitoral head. You know what comes next.

FEEL BIGGER THAN EVER:
Sex therapist Rebecca Rosenblat says that to make your girth feel bigger “use positions where she has her legs straight up in the air”  and if you want to feel longer, “try positions where she pulls her knees back toward her chest”. Also, press firmly on her stomach just beneath her belly button. The square-inch of magic called the G-spot is behind there and if you get it right you can work it from the outside as well as the in.

NEGOTIATE YOUR REWARD: Only your filthy mind knows exactly what dirty deeds you expect in return – which means you’re going to have to find a way to tell her. Make sure you strike in the afterglow, don’t be needy or reference the trade-off directly – but do be direct. If it’s a touchy subject, motivational guru Steve Miller says, “Levity is your first fallback. Make light of the situation. ‘I know I’m a stubborn git, but what I’m trying to say is, will you… y’know.’ It will put you both at ease.” The rest is easy.



YOU WANT... HER TO BE HAPPY

WITHOUT BANKRUPTING YOURSELF.

You’re time- and cash-poor and Valentine’s Day is banging on the door harder than Kerry Katona’s bailiffs. It’s time to play smart.

KNOW HER WORTH: While every shop window on the high street demands you waste wads of money on soft toys, price comparison site uSwitch.com says the average male spend on Valentine’s is a staggeringly reasonable £22.69. In fact, a survey by the National Retail Federation last year showed spending was down for the first time ever. The only consumers pushing the trend are women. Of the 190 million cards bought in the US for Valentine’s Day last year, 85% were bought by women. That’s a lot of rotund ladies buying cards for themselves.

BUY SMART: Women apparently know what they want – the trick is that you have to listen. According to female research group Frank For Women a girl’s preferred gift is travel – but crucially 67% would be prepared to chip in if it meant going to the right destination and 58% wouldn’t mind waiting if they were going somewhere decent. So make her wait till you’ve saved up and try to convince her that a holiday spent watching you trying to climb onto a killer whale lilo in the Costa Del Sol is all she’s ever dreamed of.

BORE-OFF: The key is to kill her boredom, not decimate your bank balance. Add spice by interrupting her work day – though pick a lunchtime or a dull shift – to ramp up the excitement. The smart folks at the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology have proved that exciting her at work is the spark that flicks her switch.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT: Get those rubber gloves on for some extra kinky action. Research by the Council on Contemporary Families has shown that men who help with 50% of household chores receive a monsterously impressive 27 times more sex than those who do zero. If you’ve never lifted a finger at home, a surprise spruce-up could be your Valentine’s game-changer.

SCENT OF VICTORY: Sure, cook dinner for her to win her over if you like, but the smart man uses science to best effect. So remember this: make the house smell of apple and lavender. New research states that those two particular smells hugely increase the amount of blood that flows to her nether regions. Though if the word that just sprung to mind is ‘erection’, you’re probably not dating a girl.

YOU WANT… TO PROPOSE

GET THE TOUGHEST MOVE OF YOUR LIFE SPOT ON

If you want to consider yourself a success, you need a good woman at your side to help you build your empire. Which means, with your glorious future at stake, the last thing you want to do is balls-up when you pop the big question…

OPTION 1 – DO IT EARLY: Judi James, author of The Body Language Bible, says that “the clever man pops the question in the morning”. Even if you’ve got an iron constitution, you will spend the day crapping yourself. In all likelihood, she’s bound to say ‘yes’. But it’s such a huge moment in both your lives that just the thought of it makes your belly feel like a salad tosser. All your frantic stressing, your fear of not getting the moment ‘just right’, could very easily give the game away. “Nervous body language will reveal your intentions,” says Judi. “It can kill the whole proposal for women if they see it coming.”

OPTION 2 – ASK HER TO CHOOSE THE RING: It sounds like a shitty thing to do, but remember: she’s got to have this thing on her hand for the next half a century, and if she feels embarrassed to show it to her friends, she’ll quietly despise you for the next 50 years. So, you need to level with her and ask her to go window shopping with you to get an idea of what she wants. Yes, it might ruin the surprise – but it’s that or spending three months’ worth of wages on a ring that makes her want to be sick on her hand. A good tip: ask her to put images of rings off Google into a folder on a laptop you share, if you do, and then politely ask her to forget this whole conversation ever happened. It’ll leave her in limbo and ratchet up the anticipation.

YOU WANT… TO MAKE UP FOR THE FACT YOU FORGOT

EIGHT WOMEN EXPLAIN HOW TO GET BACK ON HER GOOD SIDE

KEEP IT BASIC: “Never try to make up a long-winded excuse because we know you’re lying. ‘Is it today? I thought it was tomorrow!’ ‘Didn’t my flowers arrive?’ or anything that starts with ‘You’ll never believe what happened as I was choosing your card...”

JENNY ADELEYE, 22, LONDON 

LIE: “If it’s your first Valentine’s Day tell her you never follow stereotypical tradition, but are prepared to break that for her. Do something quirky a couple of days later, lay a line of rose petals leading her to a hidden present. Girls love a surprise.”

EMMA LAWRENCE, 27, DERBY

 

APOLOGISE ONCE: “Make one, proper sit-down apology and then forget it. Take us out to dinner and then let it lie. I hate it when a guy starts to crawl or won’t let something rest.”

ANNA BAELE, 25, ROMFORD

 

GO POSTAL: “My current fiance messed up terribly. He apologised and I kind of forgave him, but what then really won me over was that he wrote me a letter – handwritten, nice paper, the works – to properly say sorry. Emails and texts are nice, but a proper handwritten letter made me weepy.”

HANNAH AHMAD, 24, BOURNEMOUTH

 

LOSE FACE: “This was quite embarrassing for him, but after he forgot my birthday and then Valentine’s Day my boyfriend wrote a message on his Facebook wall detailing how sorry hewas. It wasn’t cheesy or lame, just an honest admission that he had to take more responsibility for our relationship.”

GEMMA COLLINS, 22, SOMERSET

 

CUT YOURSELF OFF: “My man is a real tech obsessive so I really like it when – after I’ve told him off for not paying me enough attention – he will turn his phone, email, laptop off for a whole day and we can do something special together. It doesn’t matter what we do – just that I have his absolute attention.”

BECKY WILLS, 19, SOLIHULL

 

GET A ROOM: “Look, regardless of how adult or sophisticated she is, every girl still gets excited about staying in a nice hotel – even if it is just for the night. Pack her a case, pick her up from work and take her out of the city.” 

SAFINA KHAN, 23, DERBY

 

SET A DATE: “If you completely forgot, she is going to be too mad to do anything that night. Pick a day in the calendar a couple of days after and say this day is going to be in her honour. ‘This day is your own Valentine’s Day – you deserve your own personal date – and will remain so forever more.’”

HOPE MILLER-HENDRIX, 28, POOLE

 YOU WANT… TO BREAK UP WITH HER

BUT, YOU KNOW, SENSITIVELY – IT IS VALENTINE’S DAY

Okay, it’s going so badly you can’t imagine one more day in her company – even if that means humiliating her on the one day she expects you to be nice to her.

This year two key trends collide which mean you won’t be the only one doing the dumping on Valentine’s Day. According to data gathered from Facebook, the point where most dumpings occur is the two weeks before Valentine’s Day, with Monday being the most popular day to do the deed.

This year February 14 lands on a Monday – making it sure to be a grief goldmine. If you must do it on the big day, Judy James, author of The Body Language Bible, recommends the following steps to soften the blow:

SWEETEN IT: Remember girls need a good face-saving excuse for being dumped that we can relay to our friends. “He couldn’t face a relationship” sounds better than “He got fed up with my whiny voice”.

PULL OFF YOUR BEST POKER FACE: Physical closeness will only give her false hope. Look her in the eye and keep your shoulders back: muscles contract under pressure and you don’t want to look uncertain or look like you might be swayed.

TAKE THE HIT: Don’t interrupt when she’s speaking and never raise your tone to match hers. You’re leaving anyway so let her get out her rage and avoid a slanging match. After all, you’ve still got to come back to collect your DVD collection.