BE THE PERFECT DATE

A NEW SURVEY HAS FOUND THAT MEN WILL SPEND UP TO £210 ON A FIRST DATE. MAKE SURE IT’S MONEY WELL SPENT WITH OUR EXPERT GUIDE

HOW TO MAKE HER LAUGH - BY RUSSELL HOWARD, COMEDIAN
Doing stand-up is very different to being funny in the pub with friends or a date, obviously. Stand-up’s a one-way conversation – you can’t really do that with just one other person, bit rude. But I think to be funny you have to feel comfortable. If you’re not relaxed then awkwardness comes across.

Stories are funnier than jokes. People respond warmly if it’s clear that you’re telling something that happened to you and genuinely amused you. I love positive comedy. It’s easier to make someone smile talking about something wonderful than it is saying something’s crap. Don’t be scared of saying something that’s not funny. Once you’ve said it, if it didn’t go well, it’s gone.

I tried all my jokes out on my girlfriend before my first ever gig and a lot crashed and burned. But I just went for it. It felt amazing. Don’t be too weird. That can be confusing. I remember seeing a stand-up who’d just eat a banana with a spoon and sing the theme song from The Sweeney. Not great.

Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes things go badly. You can’t let things get in your head and stress about them. You’ll get those moments where you’re lying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking ‘Oh God, why did you say that, you idiot?’, but everyone gets that. The best laughter is when it’s effortless. When they’re laughing all through the story, not just at a punchline. That’s when it’s great.

Russell’s arena tour Right Here, Right Now starts spring 2011. russellhoward.co.uk

HOW TO ALWAYS CONVERT - BY TRACEY COX, SEX EXPERT AND AUTHOR

NEVER MENTION THE ‘S’ WORD
Is sex on the table? It is if she’s still drinking and laughing in the bar you take her to after dinner. But mentioning sex will make her feel under pressure. Instead say: “I don’t want this night to end.” It’s romantic, shows you want to have sex, but puts the ball in her court.

TAXI TO HERS
Nothing kills the mood quicker than public transport, so order a cab and make it to hers. She’ll feel more comfortable in her own place.
 
DON’T ASSUME

Never assume sex is a given the moment you walk through her door. Successful swordsmen takes one step at a time, so dinner, drink, taxi, chat and then… snog. Kissing is a massive turn on for women. 

TO THE BEDROOM
Keep those lips locked for 10-15 minute, then tell her how amazing she is. Next, get up holding her hand, lead her towards the door and… stop. Now look her in the eyes and tell her “you’re prepared to wait”. There is nothing sexier or more guaranteed to get a girl’s pants down than a guy saying: “I am horny, but you’re special, so I’m not just after a quick fling.”

STOP!!!!!!
And now that you’ve got her pants down… keep yours up. What the?! I know, but hear me out. I don’t care how liberated she is, if you’ve shagged, she will wake up the next day and think: ‘Oh my God!’ A thought that will make her feel bad about herself, which will intrinsically make her view you negatively. So instead of getting your rocks off…

…WORK THAT TONGUE
Give her fantastic, orgasm-inducing oral sex and then say: “C’mon, let’s not rush things.” Words that will be ridiculously tough to say, but will be worth it. Why? Simple. Have sex and it might be one time. Do this and you’re guaranteeing there will be multiple other times.

traceycox.com

WHERE TO GO
- BY RICHARD LARUINA, DATING COACH

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
“Sounds a nightmare, but you’ll get help with a difficult task and, again, there’ll be plenty to talk about. You can then transition into a drink at the end as a reward.”

DANCING
“There’s a sexual energy to dancing, but it’s
relaxed and acceptable.
It’s intimate but also social.” N.B. Maybe avoid if you dance like a flamingo in callipers.

FOOD MARKET
“Great because it’s tactile and sensual. Everybody loves food. And there’ll
be plenty to talk about.”

WATCH THE FIRST EPISODE OF A TV SERIES
“Find a TV show you both want to see and it’ll become something you always
do together”

HOW TO READ HER - BY ROBERT PHIPPS, BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT

“Humans mirror actions when they’re interested in someone. If she starts reaching for a drink at the same time as you she’s attracted to you.”

“She’ll initiate touch – maybe brushing your arm – if she’s interested. You being first to touch her can put her off.”

“When it comes to the end of the night, if her eyes drop repeatedly to your lips, she wants to kiss you.”

… AND FOR BREAKFAST - BY STEPHEN TONKIN, HEAD CHEF AT DEAN STREET TOWNHOUSE

EGGS BENEDICT

Opt for this as it’s the stylish answer to ‘How do you like your eggs?’ For the hollandaise sauce, blend 2 egg yolks, salt and pepper until thickened. Then heat a spoon each of lemon juice and white wine vinegar until they start to bubble. Pour the mixture into the blender with the egg yolks, then switch off.
Poach your eggs, using a tablespoon of vinegar to keep the whites together.
Place two slices of ham onto a toasted muffin and lightly grill. Add the eggs and spoon over the sauce.

deanstreettownhouse.com

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