A Man's Guide: How to Buy Lingerie

Posted by , 02 December 2010

Men's lingerie buyer's guide: going to extremes

Men's lingerie buyer's guide: going to extremes

  • #03

    Men's lingerie buyer's guide: the girl's view

  • Introduction
  • #01

    Men's lingerie buyer's guide: the glossary

We've transformed you from lingerie luddite to skimpies specialist, but we're not done yet. Because, sometimes in life, you need to go the extra mile. If you're fortunate enough to be buying lingerie for an open-minded lady - more Sasha Grey, less Princess Anne - you might want to explore the glorious world of Kinkyville.

Rubber... latex... PVC... whips... paddles... crotchless... blindfolds... tassles... No, not George Michael's weekly Tesco delivery, but a small selection of the cornucopia of more risqué options available to you.

If this area interests you, then getting it right will lead to a heavenly gala of filthy stupefaction. Get it wrong, however, and you'll quickly find yourself sad and alone, sobbing gently into your pillow with only a zebra cock pouch for company.

TALK TO HER
The key to success in this area is openness. You'll never really know what your partner is into until you talk to her about it. You don't want her to come home to find you tied to the bed in a leather gimpsuit with the components of a one-four-seven break filling your orafices if that's not her bag. But, a little discussion can lead to some sexual highs you never thought possible.

CHOOSE YOUR MOMENT
Over dinner with her parents... at a funeral... in front of her boss... during Desperate Housewives... all times when your lady is unlikely to be overly receptive to a conversation about whether she'll dress up like Ann Widdecombe and punish you like the naughtly tyke that you are.

Instead, try steering things in that direction when you're both at your horniest - during sex. The steamy, sordid kind, not the lovely dovey James Blunt on the radio kind. Slip in a bit of dirty talk. Tell her you love it when she's naughty. Ask her what really turns her on. If she has any dirty fantasies she's never told anyone. Carefully gauge her response - if she's getting into it you can push the envelope, if she's not, you should retreat quicker than a French agrophobic in Selfridge's on Christmas Eve.

Just be prepared for the moment she sticks a finger up your bum and screams, "Take me, Abu Hamza!"

BE HONEST
It's fine to be a bit nervous broaching this territory. In truth, she'll probably find this endearing. If you're all, "Yeah, this one time I went away for the weekend with nine pornstars, two midgets, a gaggle of geese and a giant wheel of cheese - what a party THAT was..." she'll feel out of her depth and retreat into her shell (mixed metaphor, anyone?)

Make sure she knows that she really turns you on. You don't want her to construe this as, "Our sex life needs spicing up or I'm leaving". Just have a gentle chat about what turns you both on. Needless to say, a little booze can help.

Finally...

Now you've mastered lingerie, the last thing you'll want is any interruptions. So...  

How to defend yourself from a burglar using only your girlfriend's underwear:

You’re at her place when an intruder enters the building. Not knowing if and where she keeps weapons, how do you defend her honour using just the contents of her knicker draw? According to the self-defence experts at at londonkravmaga.com, your best bet would be to remove her knicker draw and hit the him over the head with it. Unfortunately, a court might consider this “excessive force”. For a legally robust alternative, apply this three-step technique…

Approach the burglar from behind with the biggest pair of knickers you can find. Every girl owns one pair of granny pants, so do your best to find them. Place over the top of the burglar’s head, covering their eyes.

Put both your hands on their forehead. With your left foot planted, raise your right knee as if you were starting a motorbike and make the burglar bend backwards by forcing it into the bottom of his back.

Pulling back on their forehead, aggressively jam your foot into the fold behind his right knee so that his legs give way. While your girlfriend calls the police, sit on the intruder. And, if you can muster it, fart.

Here's a sexy video with Emily Diamond from our FHM lingerie special:

 

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Relationship and sex advice from the FHM team. How to please your woman, talk to girls, have great relationships and be a Ron Jeremy in the bedroom.