Words: Lynsey Anna Jones
What we don’t know about the internet ain’t worth knowing. You want a video of a ninja cat? You got it. You want tips on how to prepare unusual meats like camel, crocodile, kangaroo and zebra? Sure. You want to watch a video of Brooklyn Decker strutting out of the sea in a sexy bikini? Come right this way. You want another video of a ninja cat? Tough, we had another one, but YouTube took it down.
But, we have to admit, net-experts though we are, we weren’t overly familiar with cyber sex. But we knew we liked sex. We knew we liked the internet. Wouldn’t it be good to combine the two?
What is cyber sex?
Cyber sex is a virtual sexual experience between two people online. Sexually explicit messages are passed back-and-forth, much like a game of sexy online tennis, without, y’know, tennis balls. Or rackets. Or nets. Or the little white skirts and the sweaty tight tops. Or… sorry, got sidetracked there.
Cyber sex has many perks, and often involves a little self-pleasuring on each side - so Wimbledon-style grunting and moaning might not be completely off the cards, after all.
What's good about it?
Cyber sex is the chance to experiment, and appreciate the brilliance of the web cam. You can play with ideas you’ve never dared to try in the bedroom to see how well they’re received – if your partner logs out and tells you never to contact her again, maybe you shouldn’t suggest involving that delicatessen-bought pastrami and your pet hamster next time? Not that we’re implying you’ve got dodgy ideas. We certainly haven’t. We’re definitely not thinking about Ana Ivanovic in a bikini after all the tennis talk, just for the record.
Why should you never marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them
HOW TO HAVE CYBER SEX
Find a girl
Wondering how to have cyber sex? First you need a girl. There are a number of forums and chat rooms that let you meet girls online - Cybersex Chat and Chatropolis, for instance - or you could try our FHM Single Girls, full of ladies looking to meet someone for some saucy chat. If you’re worried about meeting some dodgy characters, try FHM’s No Strings Attached site, full of girls looking to experiment. They’re really hot, too. Promise.
Invest in a mic or webcam
Both of these are useful, because then you’ll have both hands free to, er, type. Try not to get too giddy if you’re lucky enough to partner up with someone with a webcam - women are more mentally stimulated, so take some time telling her what you would do to her if you were there, being visual and descriptive. Also, try not to fist pump and shout ‘get in!’ if she’s really hot. Play it cool, yeah?
No explanation needed really. Could be super-awkward if your [insert family member and/or girlfriend] comes in while you’re halfway through describing how you’d like to have sex on the kitchen table with the generously proportioned Russian housewife on t'other end of your webcam.
You might get lucky
Choose a good username
Although we know how hard it is not to type ‘JasonStatham1’ or 'HugeBalls69', pick your username carefully. After all, this is your chance to give a good first impression in a chat room or forum. It's probably best not to give away your real name, too, just in case your parents frequent the same 'internet space' as you.
The golden rule: use your imagination. Cyber sex is your chance to experiment with things you'd be too afraid to explore in 'true life'. You can also make the most of the fact there’s no need to pretend you want to cuddle afterwards, and you can hit the sack as soon as you’ve logged off.