For years, skinny jeans have been masquerading as your fashionable friends, but the tight-fitting fiends are in fact the worst things to happen to your scrotal sack since Biffy Biffson studded you in the nads in year 10.

Doctors have warned that the number of men suffering from pain in their ball-bags is on the rise, and they’re placing the blame on the scrotum-squeezing jeans.

Three in 10 blokes suffer discomfort from wearing too-tight trousers, and a massive 40% admit to sacrificing comfort for style, according to a survey of 2,000 British men conducted by leaky bladder wiz-kids Tena.

But when it comes to looking good, it’s “no pain, no gain” right? Exactly right, if what you’re hoping to gain is a fungal infection, lower sperm count, urinary tract infection or bladder weakness – all possible side effects of wearing drainpipe denims.


Not to forget the threat of developing the ball-squeezingly unpleasant condition Twisted Testicles, where tight trousers constrict your spermatic cord to the extent that it twists and cuts off the blood supply to your testes.

The remedy? Immediate gangrene-preventing surgery.

So next time you gaze upon shagaholics like Russell Brand and Harry Styles with furious envy etched on your face, remember this: they’re one pair of jeans away from having emergency preventative surgery on their bollocks.