“How to snog” was the second highest “How To” search on Google UK over the last year. Do people really not know how to kiss? We break it down for you, nice and simple. 

Kissing a partner is recommended, as many of your friends and acquaintances may not want to kiss you and this can lead to costly lawsuits and upsetting misunderstandings. If the person you're about to snog isn't your partner, it's important to determine whether or not they want to kiss you – lingering eye contact, close-up dancing, and prolonged periods of sexual intercourse* are all good indications that the time might be right for a snog.

This picture of a pretty girl is at least vaguely related to the article on account of her making a kissy face. Pic by Scarleth White

You may be nervous if you have not snogged before, but the important thing to remember is not to be nervous at all. Any mistake on your part could ruin the entire event, so make sure that you're not nervous AT ALL because this is really important and if you mess up all your friends will know and your parents will probably disown you. So GET IT RIGHT, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

Smile softly and move closer to your partner, but not in a creepy way like a clown might. Try to be as sexy as you possibly can, and if you wear glasses, look over them in a knowing way, as if to say “I'm fully aware that snogging is about to happen and I'm totally fine with that.” Consider undoing the top button of your shirt to show intimacy and relaxation, and if you're wearing a mask or other protective gear, remove it now.

Put your mouth over your partner's mouth and move your lips around, slowly, opening and closing your mouth much in the same way as a fish. But a sexy fish. Do not think about sexy fishes whilst you are kissing, unless that's the sort of thing that gets you off in which case fine. 

Although kissing is lovely and all, sometimes it can look kind of gross. Like here! So do it inside, okay? Pic by verseguru

Close your eyes. Even though you may want to look at the person you are kissing, staring directly at them while you do it is considered strange and can upset them if they catch you. Close your eyes and imagine them instead, and if they're not very good looking, imagine someone else. Continue moving your mouth until we tell you otherwise. This is very important.

Poke your tongue in your partner's mouth a bit, as though your tongue is an inquisitive deer venturing into a cave that is their mouth, looking for food and shelter. Hold some part of their body – hips, shoulders, hands, feet, whatever, just hold something – and, as ever, make sure you're always moving your lips and tongue. NEVER STOP MOVING YOUR LIPS AND TONGUE. DO NOT THINK ABOUT SEXY FISH. Hopefully your partner should reciprocate and poke their tongue around in your mouth a bit too, which is the eventual aim of the whole process.

Congratulations! You have done a snog. Stop reading this guide now, and repeat the process until either a) sex or b) boredom arises.

* Unless you're having sex with an emotionally distant prostitute who insists on no mouth kissing but hopefully that's not a regular occurence