You’ve wined her, you’ve dined her, and you’ve got her back to yours. But what are the fatal mistakes you make that will prevent a repeat visit?
Here's something you may not know: girls gossip about us men. Sometimes they talk about the nice things we do for them on their birthdays, but more often than not they laugh or recoil in horror about the stupid and/or disgusting things we do when we're trying to instigate the no-pants-dance.
We asked a bunch of lovely girls about the most common mistakes men make in the bedroom. But our question had a caveat: none of the mistakes could involve the act of sex itself. So don't worry, we're not going to tell you that Kit-Katting is wrong (it probably is, though).
Let these real girls - and various assorted experts - reveal the 23 biggest errors you make before you take your trousers down and once you've pulled 'em back up again...
1. HANGING PICTURES OF HOT WOMEN ON YOUR WALLS
Samanah, 21, Glasgow: "I hate seeing posters of women on the walll - if you think that I'm fit, take somebody else's tits off the wall."
"Men with posters of naked ladies on their walls are full-time wankers, pure and simple," says comedian Bekka Bowling. "We don’t see them and think, ‘There’s a man who appreciates the female form.’ We think: ‘There’s a man who spends his day in a dressing gown, wanking so ferociously he drifts in and out of consciousness.’ It’d be like walking into a girl’s room to find the walls plastered in pictures of cocks. Cocks everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with a pair of tits, all I’m saying is: no one likes to climb out of bed in the morning and end up with a crispy sock wedged between their toes. Take them down or we ain’t coming back.”
2. PUTTING ON THE SLEAZY R&B 'SEX' PLAYLIST
El, 21, Sussex: "I was once with a guy who put this huge R Kelly ballad on just as I walked into his room. It was terrifying - I walked straight out before he got the chance to start singing."
“You don’t want anything too literal on there – no R Kelly or Boyz II Men,” says Rebecca Taylor from Sheffield band Slow Club. “Try American rapper The-Dream or Drake’s last album. The key is planning ahead. Have some go-to albums, like Bon Iver, or Perfume Genius’s Learning album. Putting iTunes on shuffle is just risky.” She’s right: Lonely Island’s I’m On A Boat is funny with your clothes on, but by the time T Pain sings “I fucked a mermaid,” you’ll feel pretty stupid.
3. GETTING ALL SERIOUS
Emily, 20, Surrey: "If a guy is completely serious and doesn't really say anything it's so creepy and awkward."
“Sure, the pressure is always on for men in the bedroom,” says nerve.com’s sex and relationships agony aunt Miss Information. “Lighten up! Make eye contact (a must!), talk and laugh when things are funny. You won't be Don Draper in the bedroom. You just won't. So let that idea go, and have fun.”
4. COMMENTING ON OUR BODY PARTS
Brandy, 22, Crosby: "I do get a lot of comments on my boobs, but if a guy has got nothing more interesting to say than that in the bedroom to me, I already know I've made a mistake."
Unless it’s a fully-fledged compliment we DO NOT want to hear it. “Saying something like “your bum looks amazing in those jeans” is fine,” says psychosexual therapist Simone Bienne (simonebienne.com). “Saying something like “You’ve got big boobs”, isn’t as it doesn’t say whether this is a good or bad thing and it will make her feel objectified.” Oh, and for the record, we don’t want you squeezing our wobbly bits. It makes us feel self-conscious, not cute.
5. NOT TIDYING UP 'DOWN THERE'
Becky, 25, Inverness: "If a guy has a lot of hair down there, it's not good. I've always given guys like that a warning. I tell them to 'trim down!'."
Yes, it’s true, women like the ‘groomed’ look too. Although be careful - too much trimming and you’ll look like a pre-pubescent porn star. Which isn’t sexy, natch.
6. GETTING IT CON-WRONG
Martha, 21, Stoke-on-Trent: "I once went with a guy who had a drawer that was full of condoms. It made me think he was a total player, and not in a good way."
Having a massive condom selection and making us pick: There's no way we're actually going to pick the pina colada one. Who even drinks those apart from your gran? "If you get out a massive array of condoms, the girl you're with is going to think you're having sex with everyone," says more!'s Georgina Childs. "So, instead of drawing out the process, just discreetly pick one and put it on. If you want to try and make condoms sexier you can ask your partner to put it on for you, but wait until you're comfortable with each other and don't ask the first time she comes back to yours."
Having no condoms: Remember that episode of EastEnders where Alfie Moon had to run around to all his mates' houses in Albert Square to find a condom. No, you don't. Because it was crap and no one got laid.
7. PERMANENTLY APOLOGISING
Nicola, 20, Leeds: "There was one guy who was really apologetic - he kept saying 'You okay?' while we were getting down to it, like he had to ask my permission for everything. Just take charge."
“I’m sorry is for people with clothes on,” reckons FHM girlfriend Seren. “Yes, even if that really has never happened to you before…” In other words, everyone makes mistakes when they’re nervous. Deal with it. Laugh. And move on.
8. TRYING TO UNDRESS US
Lauren, 22, Truro: "A guy tried to undress me and then dress me again. He was like, 'Take them off and put your pyjamas on!' I couldn't say no, as it was his house, but it was my last visit."
“The biggest mistake a man can make is assuming sex is a given the moment you walk through the bedroom door,” believes sex expert Tracey Cox (traceycox.com). Plus, seriously, we can undress ourselves, and most girls look like fat frogs if we’re just wearing tights. The tights should be the things to go.
9. NOT OFFERING BREAKFAST
Jess, 20, Surrey: "My male friend orders girls taxis or pretends to be asleep to get rid of them. Once, he ordered one for 8am. She didn't come back."
This makes us feel like hookers. Food blogger Cara, who - with her friend Phoebe - has written Big Girls, Small Kitchen (buy it at biggirlssmallkitchen.com) has an easy, but impressive, recipe for a quick breakfast.
“To make pancakes, just mix a cup of flour with 2 teaspoons baking powder, 1 tablespoon sugar, and 1/4 teaspoon salt. In another small bowl, combine 1 beaten egg, 1 cup of milk, and 1 tablespoon melted butter. Pour the wet ingredients over the dry, stir to combine, and drop 1/4-cupfuls of batter on a heated, buttered griddle, flipping the pancakes after 3 minutes. Serve with butter, syrup, and fruit.”
If you home cook pancakes and serve them to a girl in bed, there’s a 103% chance she’ll be back for more.
10. HAVING DIRTY SHEETS
Charlotte, 23, London: "If a guy's bed isn't made then that's really bad. All I can imagine are random dirty pants and socks everywhere."
"There's nothing more off-putting than the smell of dried blood and last night's wanking sweat, and nothing more uplifting than fresh, white sheets, dust and cobweb-free walls and a recently vacuumed carpet," reckons FHM Girlfriend Seren.