As technology gets ever-more complex, so do our sex lives, and the number of ways to put your foot (and penis) wrong in the bedroom...
Don’t tweet about a one night stand
Surprise (and fully consensual) sex with a total stranger is a wonderful gift. With some Dutch courage and daring knee touching, miracles can happen. But if you tweet “smell my fingers lol” the next day, the universe will bite you on the arse, ensuring your brag-tweet finds its way to said girl. Result? She never bites you on the arse, ever again.
Do watch porn together
Sure, you might draw the line at showing your other half your 18GB alphabetised archive of porn clips, but enjoying a bit of filmed filth together is something that – according to a 2013 survey – 96% of couples have tried.
“Porn means we all know a lot more about sex than our grandparents’ generation,” says sex expert Tracey Cox. “The good things – from a girl’s perspective – are that you can see mechanically how things work. You can see how to give a handjob or a blowjob. And men want to know what they’re doing in bed so they don’t look like idiots. But porn is all about getting the best view for the camera. It’s usually way too tough, way too aggressive. The fact is, sex that feels great probably doesn’t film that well.”
Don’t use emojis in sex texts
You can write the most seductive, moisture-inducing sex text in the world, but if you finish it with a winky face in sunglasses, you may as well be sending her a Snapchat of you wanking to Teletubbies. The image you’re looking to project is rugged, growly sex-man, not giggling Japanese schoolgirl.
Do get the video camera involved
Nervous about asking your significant other to star in a bit of filmic sleaze with you? She might be more open-minded than you assume. A 2013 survey found that 40% of women have made a DIY sex tape with an ex or a current partner. “My inbox is full of emails from women saying it’s them who want to try new things,” says sex expert Tracey Cox. “It’s been mainly like that since Fifty Shades Of Grey.”
Don’t check emails in bed
A survey conducted by mysinglefriend.com for FHM discovered that 77% of women have been annoyed by a man using a phone or tablet after sex. The truth is, if your phone’s resting place is a foot from your pillow, you’re going to be reaching for it the moment you’ve got nothing (or no one) to do.
“Don’t underestimate how important paying your lady some attention after sex is,” says Jo Hudson, founder of online sex shop kink.com.
“It’s an evolutionary legacy to do with securing the bond and ensuring their partner doesn’t skip off with the next available female. If you’re gagging to check your phone, wait for a trip to the bathroom or to the kitchen to make tea, or even her falling asleep – contrary to popular opinion, it tends to be the girls who snooze first.”
Do take tech infidelity seriously
According to the mysinglefriend.com survey, 80% of guys have flirted with people over social media. It’s a normal thing to do in the 21st century. Yet you should be very careful about what your thumbs get up to if you’re already in a relationship.
“My definition is this: if your partner could see you now, would they be upset?” states Tracey. “We have to be very specific to our partners about what we will and won’t accept. Define what ‘faithful’ means to you. In the old days it was as simple as ‘you’re not allowed to kiss anyone’. Now it’s a lot more complicated.”
Don’t let Peter North get you down
One consequence of unlimited porn is that men are left feeling inadequate next to the likes of adult star Peter North and his 8.5 inch schlong. “Porn is having a massive effect on young men’s confidence,” says Dr Christian Jessen.
“Pretty much anyone watching will feel that way because it’s almost like cartoon sex. The willies are the biggest you can find. As a result, the requests for penis enlargements have increased largely in men. It’s also led to an increase in erectile dysfunction medications. Poor teenage boys are watching huge guys having overly aggressive sex and are thinking, ‘Oh shit, I can’t do that!’ Now, the idea of what is average and what is normal has been completely twisted.”
Do take sexy pictures (just be careful with ‘em)
Exchanging mucky pics with an equally horned-up lady friend is one of the great joys of 21st-century life. It’s often a little one-sided – girls have boob, bum cheek and mimsy to work with, whereas you’re pretty much limited to knob shots – but lotsa fun.
Be careful out there, though. Are you sure that she’s not forwarding your eager boner on to her giggling girlfriends? Are you certain any future bust-ups won’t result in your trouser-rocket gracing countless revenge porn sites?
“If you want to take photos of you or your partner, that’s fine,” says sex expert Tracey Cox. “But do it on a different device to your phone – even if you’ve been married 20 years. You’ll forget they’re on the phone, be showing off your holiday pics, then swipe on to a shot of the pair of you 69ing on the living-room carpet.”
Don’t become an e-Casanova
Hitting on girls over the internet is all well and good, but don’t let it become a replacement for honest-to-God, meat-and-potatoes social activity, unless you want to become seriously socially handicapped.
“Apps like Tinder take away the nuances of asking someone out,” says Dr Christian Jessen. “The fact there’s no sexual body language to pick up on means we’re losing our ability to read and perceive the subtleties of unspoken messages.”
Sex expert Tracey Cox can see a plus side, however. “The good thing is that it cuts out the dishonesty of meeting someone at a bar and pretending it’s more than a one-night stand.”
Want to put these tips to good use and and get yourself a real life date? Check out FHM Dating.