In case you missed it (maybe you were in a dark room with your trousers round your ankles), the British Government today announced plans to introduce strict new filters for online porn.

Alas, PM David Cameron isn’t on a mission to ensure everything on YouPorn is all really good, rather the plans are to create an “opt in” system where you have to inform your internet service provider you intend to use your high-speed connection for perusing filth or, in other words, that you're a wanker.

The thinking behind the plan (currently only in consultation) is worthy enough: to stop young kids tossing themselves blind. But it does have some worrying ramifications.

"Like what?" we hear you ask. Well, mainly having to admit to whoever you share an internet connection with (ie your flatmates, girlfriend, mum) that you’re an "opter-inner”. Or, less euphemistically, "a rampant masturbator".

With this in mind, FHM looks at five troubling issues with the new plan:

1. Kids will still get porn but you won’t
No matter how strict the regulations, tech-savy kids will always find a way of getting around the filters, whereas adults with feeble minds ruined by years of gratuitous masturbation won’t.

2. It won’t stop the playground swap-shop

For centuries kids have been swapping filth in the playground using increasingly sophisticated methods.

In the olden days it was one tall kid with a bum-fluff tash and an impressive stash of porn mags, but now it’s moved onto flash drives and Bluetooth. It only takes one kid to have access to adult content for the filth swap-shop to swing into motion.

As a grown-up, swapping porn at work tends to be frowned upon. And don’t even think about heading down to the playground for swapsies – this will almost certainly end badly.

3. It could stop you from reading this
Anti-censorship groups are concerned that default filters are a dangerous road to go down and will lead to increasing regulation of all aspects of the web, endangering freedom of speech from Facebook to YouTube to this very site.

Jim Killock from Open Rights Group, a civil liberties body, told The Guardian that newspaper filters are “awful” and “block a wide range of innocent material”.

By "innocent", he means sexy-but-safe-for-work sites like FHM.com. The filters could be a virtual equivalent of a Victorian dress preventing you from seeing even a glimpse of ankle on your internet travels.

4. Your mum
If you live with your folks there’s going to be a very difficult conversation with your mum. Perhaps only out-awkwarded by calling your service provider to opt-in, only to find that your Dad has already done so.

5. Your girlfriend/wife
It depends on how "open-minded" your partner is, but if you’re in a stable relationship where you have to regularly delete your cookies we’re guessing you may have to find a new hobby for your evenings in alone. Jigsaws anyone?

Do you agree with the Government’s plans? Let us know by commenting below or emailing us at letters@fhm.com