Because her old man’s just spent the wedding fund on a Harley

There’s a lot to be said for wedding a woman with a pram-face. The main one being that expectations for her ‘Big Day’ will be lower than those of a posh bird. Even the average wedding costs a mind- boggling £20,000, so if your lady is not a lap-dancer or currently employed on the tills at Netto… it’s time to start planning now.

Don’t mess with tradition
A survey at weddingchaos.co.uk found that 64% of bride- and grooms-to-be were planning to pay for their own wedding. Which is mad: for years it has been the norm for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding. If you can, play this card very early on.
Potential saving: 20k

Keep costs down
Throw a midweek wedding to ensure cheaper venue fees; buy cava instead of champers; ask a band of aunties to cater the meal (which is the single biggest expense of the day); hire wedding clothes; get your mate with a flash car to do the driving – the list is endless.
Potential saving: £7k+

Sell your wife
The next thing to do is to get the wife-to-be sponsored. Girls are better at this, so get her to start signing people up now to pay her cash for every physical pound she loses before D-Day. You can even manage it all via sponsorformsonline.co.uk.
Potential saving: depends how fat she is

Whore yourself
OK! may not be interested in your wedding to Big Sue, but you could pretend that you’re doing a Katie and Peter anyway. It’s your licence to get parts of the day sponsored, so get Uncle Pete to buy the wedding cake (just knock up a sign saying, ‘Cake courtesy of Uncle Pete’, and add a little mugshot of him); ask your cousins to pay for the limo in return for a poster of their faces in the back window. If you can sell off everything this way, your wedding is FREE!
Potential saving: £20k

Throw a fund-raiser
Tickets at 40 quid a head, and 100 people invited. The trick is to get everything thrown in for free as an early gift, so your mate who runs a bingo hall provides the venue; Uncle Ted’s off-licence throws in the booze; your handy-on-the-guitar brother rocks up with his band. Be upfront and bold about it, and it’ll work.
Potential saving: £4k

Beg
At realitycharity.com, anyone can make an appeal to generous strangers in the hope of a helping hand(out). True, you’ll be fighting for cash alongside cancer victims and people with one leg, but if you can make an impoverished plea you might just get lucky.
Potential saving: £20k

Hold a wedding auction
Only at 9pm, when everyone’s blitzed, do the lots come up for sale. You’ve tapped up everyone for a donation of services and the fervour surrounding ‘Lot 7: a two-minute kiss in the cupboard with Tallulah the bridesmaid’ has reached fever pitch.
Potential saving: £5k+