What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen happen on a porn set?
Girls fart all the time and the cameras get covered in spunk regularly. You can’t help but have a big old giggle when things like that happen. But the one moment that really stands out was when we were doing a water sports scene. Pissing scenes can be a real nightmare. The girl was sat there, legs akimbo and we gave her enough room for a big arcing wee. But, when the time came, she fired out the most outrageous cannon-like piss which soaked the entire crew – and all the equipment. We were really shocked because, well, it wasn’t human. There was piss all over the cameraman’s face! It wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t smelt so awful.

Is there anything that you wouldn’t be willing to film?
Well, obviously nothing involving animals or children and nothing violent towards women – I would never film anything too misogynistic. I’ve seen films where the women are given ketamine and their eyes are rolling back in their heads while the guys are banging them. They do awful things, punching them and shoving baseball bats inside them. I would never be involved in anything like that. I’m all for the woman beating on the guy though.

How did you get into porn?
I was working in a production company when a friend approached me to make a film for his website. I wrote the script, hired the actors and even operated the camera. He paid me a bit of money, but I thought seeing as I had done all the work, I should get a lot more, so I set up my own website. Then I was approached by Private to make films for them.

Other than filming people have sex, do you live a pretty normal life?
Very much so, I’m married with a child. What I do for a living really is nine-to-five with production weeks, casting weeks, busy filming weeks – everything is normal until, I suppose, I say the word “action!”

What are the most common reasons that you turn people down who want to be in your flicks?
I make reality porn for my website and my movies, so I’ll take anyone as long as they enjoy what they’re doing. It’s a bit different when I’m working for Private or Playboy though, because they have very high standards and the women have to be beautiful, elegant and well-spoken.

Could we get in a movie?
You could, yes. Easily. I’m always trying to identify with the consumer in my films, and not all of the guys watching are going to be six-foot-four with pecs and a big cock. I think that having male actors who are normal-looking make the person watching at home feel a bit more comfortable.

Thanks, we think. So even if the guy has a small cock, unlike us, it doesn’t matter?
Not at all. As I said, my line is in reality porn, you guys don’t all have big, fuck-off dicks.

Are there any strange reasons why you’ve had to turn people down?
Not really. Nowadays I see a screen test before I hire anyone, but in the old days I used to just speak to them on the phone and the first time I’d see them was when they turned up for the shoot. One time we had this guy turn up with a big coat on and it wasn’t until we started shooting that I noticed he had a Jeremy Beadle hand – it was absolutely tiny! I was looking at him through the monitor when I spotted it and had to nudge the cameraman. He’d obviously spotted it as he was crying with laughter. Then I realised he also had a third nipple! The crew and I were pissing ourselves but we couldn’t stop the shoot as the girl was already on top of him, fucking away like mad. It was hysterical.

Do you make people have sex at castings?
No, they don’t have to, it just depends. With girls it’s never really a problem because you don’t have to check if they can get it up and I can always teach them how to give a blow-job. But guys have to prove they can get a stiffy.

Do fluffers still exist?
They do. I’ve not paid anybody to do it before – usually one of the actresses does it or even a female member of the crew.

Is there a female alternative? Like a guy who gets the girls horny?
No, but I get a lot of guys offering to do that. Are you interested?

We charge. Are there any regular porn injuries, like thigh strains due to excess squatting?
It’s usually the arses that go first. Sometimes they’ll say that they can’t do an anal scene that day because they were fucked too hard the day before. Five hours is a long time to take it up the arse.

Agreed. British porn gets a bad press when you compare it to American stuff. Why do you think that is?
We just don’t have the girls here and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the money is crap in the UK. A British girl will get about £300 for a straight sex scene whereas in the States they get about £900. Over here you’d make more money being an escort or lap-dancing.

Do the blokes get paid in your films?
In my films the few actors we use do, but anyone who approaches us and just wants to be in a film has their expenses paid and I suppose I might also pay for their HIV test.

Generous. Could we have an Aids scare here like they did in US porn not so long ago?
Of course. There’s always the chance. There’s regular gonorrhea and chlamydia outbreaks. Sometimes the whole industry will close down for months until the disease is gone. It’s the performers’ job to get tested and it’s my job on the shoot to make sure those tests comply with Private’s rules. They ask performers to be tested every ten days – far more often than the UK standard, which is every 28 days.

Could we make much selling our “home movies”?
There are various companies buying that sort of thing, my own included. If you sent me a tape and I used it on my website I would pay you £1 for every minute of footage I used.

What’s the secret to a successful porn film?
In my films it’s me. My humour and my personality makes the films. I’ll say, “You’re not sucking his cock hard enough, dirty girl,” which puts a bit more life back in the scene. You yourself have never actually screwed in a porno. Do you think if you got involved in a scene at this stage in your career, sales of that movie would rocket? Yeah totally, but there would have to be some serious money involved. I’m actually going to set up a “thermometer” on my site and ask people to donate money. When I’ve made £1 million I’ll make my first film. The main reason I wouldn’t consider performing in a film is because I earn too much money behind the camera, about £5,000 if I get commissioned by Private or Playboy.

How does filming people shag affect your own sex life?
From time to time, if I make a noise in bed when I’m having sex, I hear a porn-star moan and feel I have to stop.

Do you ever get sick of endless porn scenes?
Absolutely, I get sick of looking at cocks and pussies – and smelling them. In my films we’re often in a small room and I’m usually pretty close up with my handheld camera. Some of the smells I’ve had to deal with and some of the things I’ve seen coming out of orifices, particularly during anal scenes, have completely put me off having sex. I’m moving into a new industry now, as it happens. I’m setting up a speed-dating business.

Would you like to move into mainstream film?
Yes. My ambition is to direct a sex scene for Quentin Tarantino. I know all about lighting, direction and settings – but the only difference is that I film sex.