10 Telltale Signs You Need To Quit Your Job... RIGHT F'IN NOW

Enjoying the bank holiday a bit too much? 

Waking up in a cold sweat from nightmare after nightmare about being forced to trudge back into the office on Tuesday? Sick and tired of having to prepare five acutely different answers to "what you've been up to this weekend, then?" for a bunch of people you don't even really like?

It might be time to think about packing your current job in. Not sure if you're ready for a new one? Here's the top ten rundown of the signs to look out for...

You Have Frequent Work Dreams

We’re not talking about the kind where you and Lord Sugar are lighting cigars with 50 quid notes, but more the sort where something goes catastrophically wrong with an Excel spreadsheet. And then your boss yells at you. And then your pants fall down and everyone laughs and calls you ‘pencil dick’.

You’re On First Name Terms With Carol From HR

Partly because she had to have a chat with you after those emails came to light. Partly because of that impression you did at the Christmas party. HR professionals are like Dementors from Harry Potter. They’ll eventually suck all life out of you, unless you leave first.

Your Colleagues Don’t Make Tea Anymore

The great British tea round is on the verge of extinction, thanks to young whippersnappers surviving on industrial protein shakes and energy drinks called things like ‘Nerve Shitter’. An end to the humble tea round is a sign that you’re too old for this place, pops.

Management Begin Using Posh Words

“We’re reimagining the core brand vales…” [No one is buying our stuff anymore] “…and will be streamlining the team for greater interdepartmental synergy…” [We’re sacking loads of people] “…so will now be consulting on…” [And you’re next, pal]. Get out. Now.

You Post Between Four And Nine Facebook Status Updates Per Day

Notice how you’ve been refreshing the browser every 3.5 minutes to see if anyone’s retweeted your “Why don’t you ever see Jammie Dodgers anymore?! Lol” tweet? Or how you’re constantly following those Facebook status arguments between the thickos you went to school with?

Someone Puts Up A ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’ Poster

We can’t all work at Fun Central Ltd, but we can at least hope for a stiff upper-lip mentality. No one really loves their job, but it’s at least necessary to avoid talking about hating it. If your workmates are flying quasi-ironic posters just to get them through, then it’s a sure sign you need to jump ship.

You Have A Few Tinnies On The Way Home

Train beers can be a great bolt-loosener after a week of back-slapping success and deal-making. Yippee! Let’s drink to your success, go-getter! But sipping a can of Tyskie out of a brown bag on the number 19 bus is more a sign of drinking to forget. Next stop? Destitution.

People Joke About How Long You've Been There

“Ha-ha, this legend’s part of the furniture” they jape. “Ooh, seven years? You get less for murder!” goes the banter. “Yeah, that guy smells of ham and we think he might sleep here sometimes...” you overhear them say. Maybe time to have a quick look at the job ads, yeah?

You Begin Taking Tactical Poops

Away from the hum of your desk is a special place where everything’s done on your terms and no-one can judge you. Hail the sanctuary of the toilet cubicle, and the refuge it offers all Candy Crush Saga skivers and secret weepers.

Someone Younger And Better-Looking Is Employed

Remember that Christmas when you were voted ‘Most Pert Bottom Cheeks 2012?’ Yeah? Well no-one else does. That’s because since then, someone with less wrinkles and more Twitter followers has started working in your office, the little clean-shirted shit. Ah well, there’s always the toilet cubicle. Your bum will always be number one there...

_ Words: Si Cunningham _