10 Things No Man Should Ever Have In His House

_ There's no place for all your university collection trophies, your ex's clothes or terrible domesticated animal choices. Man up and toss the lot out... _

10. A Pet Tarantula

Jesus, look at the thing... is that tank sealed? Are you sure? Because if movies have taught us anything, it’s that having any form of arachnid, reptile or creepy crawly in your house will inevitably come back and bite you on the ass. Quite literally. At 3am. In your bed...

9. A Microwave


What kind of person has ever used a plastic radioactive box to flame-grill a wedge of cow or beat the bejesus out of an egg? There are some things a microwave just can’t be used for, and knowing your way around the kitchen feeds the most primal of urges to cook something with your hands. Even if it’s inedible, at least blood, sweat and tears went into making it.

8. Any 'Now That's What I Call Music' Album


The lights are dimmed, you’re on the couch with your ladyfriend, finally about to lean in for that long-awaited smooch…then Lou Bega’s Mambo No 5 kicks in, dousing out the nascent flames of desire. The lesson? Have a taste in music, any taste in music. It might not be everyone’s cuppa, but it’ll save you from an iPhone shuffle shame.

7. Topless Calendars


You’re not Dapper Laughs or Sid James circa 1973. You’re also not the sort of bloke who tells women on the bus to ‘cheer up’ or pinches bottoms in public. So ditch the ’90s lads’ mag poster and put a nice print on your wall instead.

6. Novelty Pants, Socks And Ties


With the exception of Christmas Day – and assuming even then you’re wearing them against your will – novelty undercrackers do wonders for pissing on your masculinity and maturity. Anyone who has ‘sex machine’ plastered on their boxers is almost certainly lining themselves up to be a middle-aged manchild.

5. Any Form Of Bigot


No one needs Nick Griffin chewing their ear off during Masterchef, and that Abu Hamza would definitely ruin your enjoyment of Don’t Tell The Bride with his forthright views on western society. So, it’s best to leave any knob with extremist tendencies at the front door, eh?

4. Alcohol-Free Beer


Being able to down 12 cans of 6.6% Pilsnershitter certainly doesn’t make you any more of a ruddy bloke, and nor does scoffing at sobriety. Our main beef with sans-alcohol hooch is that it tastes like wet, eggy dog farts. When there’s so much beautiful craft beer about, it’s a sin to put this teetotal toss in your fridge.

3. Old College Drinking Props


Chugging out of a vuvuzela was ace when you could still get away with downing £1 vodka cokes on a Tuesday night, but it’s 2015 and you’re all sophisticated now, with your Nectar card and your sensible haircut. The only thing you should need for a good time these days is a little LSD. (That stands for a Lovely Scotch to Drink).

2. Your Ex's Possessions


Pull yourself together, man. Is having the odd glance at her Instagram feed acceptable? Yes. Is pulling out an old hairbrush of hers for a nightly sniff as you wear a pair of her tights and weep into your pillow a normal thing to do? Absolutely not. Get it all down to the charity shop.

1. A Mankini


Men are inevitably judged by potential suitors on their humour, so if yours is still reliant on gags from 2006, then you’ve probably got a bit of work to do. You can always claim that screaming ‘Wassssap!’ down the phone was an ironic thing, but that’s only going to wash once. Ditch the fluorescent ball hammock and throw away your Ali G skull cap, right now.

MORE: 'The 8 Things A Man Should Always Have With Him'