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25 Thoughts Every Man Has On A First Date

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Men and dating go together about as well as chicken liver and peanut butter. Unless I'm mistaken and chicken liver and peanut butter is a delicacy somewhere in the world, that's REALLY bad.

It's not that men don't date, or can't date, it's just that well, they aren't the best at it. That's not to say women are any better! Hell, I'd venture to say no one is really good at dating. Some people are just better equipped to handle the awkward nuances, I guess. While others are about as graceful as a baby giraffe running a marathon.

Dating and sleeping with someone are ENTIRELY different things. Sleeping with someone is the thing that (hopefully) comes after the dating, but how do you get there?! I know how you chronologically get there, I mean how do you GET THERE? How do you execute the first, let alone multiple dates on your way to the finish line?

That's a good question, really. I don't know what to tell you. I've never mastered a specific formula, myself. I'm sure others have, but they're most likely married with kids by now, so they aren't exactly beating down my door to come over to my a bachelor apartment littered with dirty underwear for cheap beers to discuss this shit. I'm mostly kidding about the dirty underwear.

Anyway, first dates are the antithesis to dating. Well not really, all dating sucks, but first dates are the suckiest of suck. They make all the other dates look like watching porn and eating wings WHILE at The Superbowl. I can't speak for mankind everywhere, but I'd venture to say these 25 thoughts are going to look mighty familiar:

  1. Am I dressed appropriately?
  2. "Appropriately?" Who am I, my mother? Do I even care?
  3. Yes, I definitely do. She's really attractive?
  4. Again, who am I? She's SUPER HOT.
  5. Alright, here she comes, here she comes.
  6. It's Karen, not Krystal. Do NOT get this part wrong.
  7. It's like the SATs, if nothing else, just nail the name.
  8. Should I stand up?
  9. No, that's weird.
  10. I'm doing it anyway. 10 points for chivalry!
  11. She smiled! Yes, I'm in.
  12. Shit, she's ordering a cranberry vodka with a splash of lime and cherry. WTF kind of drink is that?
  13. She smells really nice though.
  14. Still, that's a high maintenance drink, right? Can a drink be high maintenance?
  15. If she brings up wanting children, I'm going to fake diarrhea.
  16. If she brings up wanting children, I WILL get diarrhea.
  17. I hope she doesn't ask what I do for a living.
  18. I really despise that question.
  19. She's going to be disappointed automatically because my answer won't be doctor, lawyer, or puppy-breeder.
  20. Ah, speaking of puppies, bring up your dog!! Women love dogs.
  21. She's a cat person, f-ck.
  22. She has 3 cats. Double f-ck.
  23. She's REALLY good looking though. We could possibly make this work.
  24. Turns out she's pretty smart and cool too. This isn't so bad.
  25. She's been in the bathroom for awhile and I don't know if she's coming back.

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