With the weather slowly but surely getting nicer and nicer, there's a chance that you might (finally) have a BBQ coming up this weekend.
But, because it's been so long, you might also need a refresher as to what it's like when the grill's fired up and a bunch of people are stuffing their faces with all sorts of meat and potatoes.
Since it's too late to bring back the Facbeook invite you've sent out to all your friends, family and a few co-workers, you just better hope you weren't foolish enough to invite these types of people to your backyard cookout—because they're the worst, and they will ruin your afternoon of sun-coated meat extravagance.
That One Vegetarian Who Ruins It For Everyone
Don’t drink? Fine, whatever. Don’t eat meat? Each to their own. But if you do neither then you have no place at a murder-flavoured liver-destruction party. We’re all going to be over here, staggering around and swearing, covered head-to-toe in blood and grease, and you’re going to be over there, tsk-ing at everyone through a grilled pepper. Boo to you.
Mr. Man Vs Food
This greedy trough-pig views a barbecue as a competitive eating competition: you’ll clock him goal-hanging around the barbie in his elasticated trackie bottoms, eyeing up every freshly cooked item and patting his pork-warped belly as he blurps, “Seriously, I couldn’t – although, maybe just a couple of those wings, eh?” He’ll cost you a small fortune in Taste The Difference burgers alone.
This shitbird thinks he’s the lovechild of Bear Grylls and Jamie Oliver, despite the fact he couldn’t get his tent up at V Festival last year and can’t even cook scrambled eggs. Nevertheless, he chuckles wryly at your attempts to get the coals glowing; he tut-tut-tuts nervously as you rearrange your grill; he sighs derisively as you turn your steaks over; he falls to the floor screaming as you jam your tongs into his dickhead eyes.
Any Child Under Eight Years Old
“Don’t like burgers!” “Can I have a go doing cooking?” “Onions are yacky!” “Waaah!” “I dropped my lolly!” “I burned my hand on the hot!” “Don’t like sausages!” “Waaaaah!” “I dropped my lolly again!” “Can I have McNuggets?” “Pickles are yacky!” “Waaaaaaaah!” “I burned myself again!” Piss off, mate. Just fuck the piss off.
Now, before planning your next one, you've got all you need to avoid the same mistakes and get yourself some better company—because these people shouldn't even be allowed to go through your garbage in hopes of finding some leftover, flame-grilled meat.