Everybody makes mistakes. We get that. We can appreciate that. Some mistakes can even be made more than once, because hey, nobody's perfect.
However, there are some things that should only ever be done once. And then, never again. If it can be helped, they probably shouldn't be done at all...
All-Nighter On A Weekday
Being hungover at work is bad enough, but struggling through that same day having had no sleep is the most physically gruelling thing a man can do. Even if you manage to make it to 5pm without getting sacked, you’ll be haunted by the memory of that day all the way to your deathbed.
Put The Wrong Fuel In A Car
According to the AA, every year more than 150,000 people absent-mindedly cock up by filling their car with diesel instead of petrol – that’s one person every three-and-a-half minutes. If our maths is correct then everybody in Britain will have made this once-in-a-lifetime mistake by 2019, at which point it’ll never happen to anyone again. Yay!
Google A Minor Ailment
Eat A Scotch Bonnet Chilli
These types of peppers have a heat rating of 350,000 Scoville units (comparison: jalapeño peppers pack 4,000 Scoville units), which makes them ideal for the chuckling bozo looking to show off to his mates. Twenty-five minutes of wheezing, crying, snorting, clawing, puking, downing milk and shrieking later, that bozo is praying to God that if he will just make it stop, he will never revel in being the centre of attention ever again.
Browse Online Shopping Sites While Drunk AF
Somebody really ought to invent a breathaliser device that attaches to your laptop and prevents you from visiting websites such as Amazon, ASOS and eBay if you’ve had more than three pints. It’s all fun and games at 2.30am when you’ve got a hand over one eye so you can focus on the thrilling bidding war you’re embroiled in with FashionGirl564 – it’s not so funny when you wake up the next morning and realise that you’ve spent £213.54 on a ‘vintage’ Von Dutch baseball cap.
Watch Yourself Have Sex
Oooh yeah, making a DIY porn video – what could be hotter than that? And, yes, the filming part is pretty awesome – but the watching bit? Not so much. Your performance doesn’t look half as Mr Smooth Loverman as you thought it would – what’s with the constant speeding up and slowing down? And you’re making a sound like whale-song mixed with a rusty old car starting on a cold morning. Plus – ewww – is that your bumhole? No no no no no turn it off, turn it off!
Cut Your Own Hair
You’re off out tonight and your hair could do with a slight trim, but you don’t fancy spending a tenner at the barber’s for just a few minor snips. Hey, you can straighten that fringe out yourself, no probs! Yeah! Ten increasingly panicked minutes later, you look like Kim Jong-Un on a bad day.
Try And Give Yourself Fellatio
A true adolescent rite of passage, but it’s best you don’t succeed at this one. If you sometimes feel a bit grossed-out by yourself after cranking one off, imagine how you’d feel with a gob-full of your own boy-mayo.
Drink Straight Gin
The logic goes like this: if you’re drinking spirits but you run out of mixers, it’s perfectly acceptable to plough on with straight booze. Works fine with whisky, vodka, rum and Jäger, right? But try that shit with gin and you won’t stop shuddering for an hour. We’ve no idea what’s in tonic that makes gin not taste like out-of-date horse poison, but whatever it is, it is not optional.
Words by: Joe Madden