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When it comes to sex, there's no such thing as the perfect first time. Hell, there's no such thing as orgasming the first time (unless you're a guy). This sentiment holds true with oral persuasions as well. Why? Because blow jobs are sex too, friends. If you're having trouble understanding that, please review your 7th grade health textbook for good measure.
We don't think y'all fully understand the intricacies involved in women giving head. Frankly, we didn't have a freakin' clue either until coming across this Reddit thread created by, Subatomic Pangolin.
We were living blissfully unaware of the fact that most women would rather chew nails than have to focus on breathing, tooth-placement, and gag reflexes all at once for the 5-some-odd minutes it takes us to let loose (we rounded up with 5 minutes, btw).
Let's take a look at some first time fellatio tales from some very brave women....
The Teeth & The Peen
"I have never been more aware of my teeth than I was at that moment. I'd had it hyped up in my mind so much that you keep your teeth far, far away from the peen or it will be absolute agony that I was convinced he'd be better off sticking his d*ck into a spool of barbed wire. Turns out, unless you're straight-up chomping away at it, it's pretty easy to keep them out of the way."
When You Were Young By The Killers > This Story
"We were both young. We hid in the bushes somewhere. He was rock hard which scared me, and dribbled into my mouth for what felt like forever. He groaned a lot and said my name in a dying battery type of voice."
That's Some Freudian Sh*t
"It was enjoyable but nothing that stands out in my mind, HOWEVER, that same night I had a dream that I was being attacked by a huge anaconda."
See what we're saying?! We've only given three examples so far and ALREADY we feel bad for every female who has ever subjected herself to this bout of oral foreplay. If nothing else, please use this article as a reminder of how lucky you are that any woman has willingly performed this act on you.
Don't worry, we're going to keep 'em coming. Maybe if you read enough of these, you'll go home and return the favor to your lady for a change. Er, here's some tips you might need — there's a solid chance you have absolutely no idea what you're doing and she's laughing at you behind your back with her friends.
"Terrifying, I had no clue what I was doing. The family computer was in the living room so any googling was risky. I got my tips from Cosmo. When I started humming my boyfriend asked what the f*ck I was doing."
Arm Job, Blow Job, What's the difference?
"Common sense tells you d*cks should taste like skin...because they're covered in skin. Sweaty skin. But that was still a surprise. I was like licking the inner soft spot of someone's sweaty arm."
Living Life On The Orthodontic Edge
"I had braces literally IN THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH. I'm still shocked he let me try when I think back to it."
The Token Male Perspective
"The first time a woman put her mouth on my d*ck, she bit it in full force. It wasn't as funny as she imagined but at least I'm not afraid of death anymore."
To read the full thread, head on over to Reddit for more hilarious fellatio folktales.
Image Via Getty
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