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Your teeth are brushed, hair is slicked, shirt is pressed, shoes are polished, and stubble is tamed. You are ready to head out the door. Not for another mindless hookup met at a low-rent bar, but a genuine-bona-fide-sweet-as-apple-pie-date! The whole shebang, dinner, conversation, eye-contact, and no more than 3 drinks to remain cognizant.
You're excited, but you're also nervous. It's been awhile, you're a bit rusty. No judgement, we've all been there. How hard could it be right? It's not like this girl is going to be an absolute train wreck. Shit, what if she IS an absolute train wreck? SHIT. Now you're sweating.
Alright, so this isn't an ideal situation, but it happens. You're not going to meet the love of your life sitting around with your hands down your pants. You have to get out there! The problem with getting "out there" sometimes being that you're going to have some really really awful dates.
Don't fret though, help is on the way! There are ways to get out of these situations unscathed. You can and you will ditch your date without making a scene. We promise.
There are a few different schools of thought when it comes to technique. Former lead kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, Chris Voss suggests in in an episode of the Moneyish original series, "Everyday Hostages":
"Start with an apology, since that braces them for bad news and makes them curious, so they listen more closely."
No offense to Voss, I'm sure he was fantastic at his job, but really? Say you're sorry? That's all you've got? The current dating pool of women in 2017 is a bit more intense than you may be accounting for. Yes, more intense than FBI level kidnappers.
If you want to try the apology approach, that's fine. I don't have much faith that it will work without her taking a picture of your face and plastering it all over social media with a caption along the lines of, "Don't date him, he's a complete jackass with a small penis." I mean, not that I've been in that situation.
What you need to do to ditch a bad date properly is pull of some Oscar worthy acting. It doesn't take much. Just patience and focus, that's the key. Be unwavering in your resolve and you'll do fine.
If you notice at the beginning of the night that she seems a bit off and you know it's only going to go down hill from there. Start surveying the menu as quickly as possible. This scenario must take place where food is involved, but that should be easy. ALL first dates should involve food, there's no question.
Anyway, so yes, start looking at the menu. Find a dish with something that has a common allergy ingredient-peanuts, shellfish, something of the like. If there's nothing like that, make it up! People are allergic to everything nowadays.
When she asks why you're looking so intently at the menu, mention you're highly allergic to "insert food item" and that you need to be careful when ordering. She will most likely reply with, "aw, that sucks" sweetly. You've gained her sympathy, this is good.
Basically to summarize the following series of events. You are to order a dish with your "allergy ingredient" but you are going to announce to the waiter very loudly to leave it out of your dish. You'll have to spend the next 20-25 minutes trying to grin and bear it while this absolute mess of date chugs along. When the food comes, smile, start eating, pause for about 30-70 seconds and then say quickly, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom."
When you're in the bathroom, throw some water on your face lightly to appear sweaty, maybe ruffle your hair a bit and rub your eyes as well. Walk back to the table slowly and tell her that the waiter must have misheard you or made a mistake with your order. You just threw up, you're feeling the cold-sweats and you must go home immediately before it gets worse. Throw some money (always bring cash to a first date)on the table, and hustle out of there.
Was that super elaborate? You bet your ass it was, but it's foolproof. I've done it about 10-15 in my life and it has never failed. I've had my guy friends use this method as well and only one has been slapped because he forgot what he said he was allergic to.