When I suggest that some of these "crimes" against humanity be illegal — that's no B.S.; I'm being dead-ass serious. Given the overall socio-political-cultural climate of this damn world, I think it's about time we start legitimately punishing people for being, well, crappy people! Of course, I'm not suggesting that we actually throw anyone in jail for these seemingly innocuous crimes, but, bitches gots to learn, you know? Enough is enough already! I propose we start fining people, or at the very least, publicly shaming them on Instagram.
Perhaps the most ironic aspect of all these instances is that they're not so much actual crimes of humanity (like religious persecution) as they are seriously poor manners and frankly, just rude, rude, and more rude!. How is it that as we age, we completely forget basic human decency?
Don't believe me, huh? You think I'm being a dramatic-elitist, don't you? I don't blame you! That's what I thought at first, too, until I started paying closer attention — this sh*t isn't cool! Humanity, do better, will you please??
Go ahead and let me know if any of these look/sound familiar to you.
Crime Group 1: Public Transit
Taking up an empty seat with a bag/briefcase.
Talking on the phone in the designated Quiet Car.
Eating anything with onion (specifically raw onion) in it. Ditto with garlic, tuna fish, anything so potent that it spreads across the entire bus/train like a thick veil of rancid sadness.
Crime Group 2: Restaurants
Not tipping your server/bartender.
Cutting pizza with a knife and fork (this isn't that bad, but, seriously, you look like a tool).
Requesting so many adjustments to your meal that it's essentially no longer the same dish on the menu — if you have dietary restrictions, choose a place to eat accordingly!
Spending more than 30 seconds committed to taking the perfect Instagram picture of your food.
Spending any time trying to filter said Instagram picture of your food — it's a F'in cheeseburger, man, what're you trying to filter out? A blemish? Get a grip, please.
Crime Group 3: Bathrooms/Elevators/Office Buildings
Getting on the elevator before everyone has gotten off. What do you think, you'll be rewarded for getting on first?
Pressing the button for a floor only to realize that it's the wrong floor — pay better attention!
Blasting music so loudly through your headphones that it makes the entire elevator uncomfortable. This applies double if you're listening to anything profane, like Eazy-E's Nuts On Ya Chin— which, yes, did happen to me once and I live to regret it.
Not warning the person using the stall after you that there's no toilet paper. WTF is wrong with you? Were you raised by selfish, sociopathic wolves?
Standing in front of the fridge/coffee machine/water dispenser for an obnoxiously long amount of time. You're not at home... you do realize that, right?
I could have conceivably listed 300 more, but the ones above are specifically bothering me right now, and happen in some sort of succession EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Again, I'm not suggesting anyone goes to jail for these things, but, c'mon, there's only so much a gal can take — and I'm pretty damn mild-mannered, all things considered. I couldn't imagine a hot head walking passed an uptight Wall Street-type who's eating a tuna fish and onion sandwich on the train while taking up three seats with his newspaper, briefcase, and computer (that isn't make believe, I saw it yesterday evening).