Only In F'in Australia: Authorities Capture The Biggest Funnel-Web Spider To Date

Lead Image via Australian Reptile Park

By all outward appearances, Australia is one of the most beautiful places in the world. It's only when you take a closer look that you come to realize that the land down under is quite literally crawling with things trying to kill you. Hell, even Koala bears are known to be aggressive and they're cute AF. Something that's definitely not cute AF, however, is the funnel-web spider. In fact, as far as cuteness goes, we'd take Donald Trump in a bikini over having to encounter this ghastly arachnid.

Even if you aren't afraid of spiders, there's a solid chance you would sh-t your pants if this thing came darting your way. According to the Australian Reptile Park, a funnel-web spider, now nicknamed "Big Boy", was discovered. Measuring in at 7.5 centimetres from limb to limb, he has venom dripping constantly from his fangs. Spiderman is shaking in his leotard right now, guys. This creepy crawler is no joke.

Image via Australian Reptile Park

The ARP explained that Big Boy was found in Newcastle and handed into John Hunter Hospital for collection. He will be milked in order to protect humans from funnel-web bites. Liz Vella, Head Curator at the Australian Reptile Park said:

"January and February are the peak times when male funnel-web spiders are out trying to find females to mate and given that only males can be milked we really encourage local communities to hand them into the Australian Reptile Park or to participating hospital drop off centers within this peak season."

We're sorry, Liz, but if we came in contact with a funnel-web of this size (read: any size) we'd be running in the opposite F'in direction. We'd charter a private jet if we had to. We'd swim across the ocean. We'd walk across the desert. We'd hide under a blanket and cry. You get the picture. Call us cowards, if you'd like, we can live with that.

Lead Image via Australian Reptile Park


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